


To Be Alone With You

by teethcrystals



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexuality, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Childhood Memories, Depression, Developing Relationship, During Canon, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Injury Recovery, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Parent Death, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Relationship Study, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sibling Bonding, Some Humor, Trans Male Character, javier is trans die mad abt it, lots of self-projecting onto john here tbh, the whole kitten kaboodle kids, this is my city now, uuhh not sure what else to say besides uhhh...yeehaw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-11-15 21:57:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18081656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teethcrystals/pseuds/teethcrystals
Summary: John wants to believe it's a justified hate towards a rude, uppity asshole, but in the back of his mind he knows the truth. Knows he's jealous that already in the time he's known him he's shown himself to be a better man than John. Stronger, smarter, kinder, wiser. Easier on the eyes. A lot easier on the eyes.Isn't sure what exactly makes him particularity nice to look at. Is it the band of thick lashes on his eyelids that he's seen flutter closed as he plays? Or is it the eyes themselves? A deep dark brown like that coffee Abigail is almost always seen holding. Hard not to get lost in the complexity of them the few times he has looked at them. Could be his hair. It was longer, always tied back, but the few times he's seen it down he can't help his gaze from wandering over. Or is it his lips? They always seemed to be in a pout, which John admittedly finds a bit cute. Also admits the man has a nice smile. Maybe it was his overall face. He thinks that's it. He thinks-Alright that's enough.*A exploration of Javier and John's relationship- start to finish. A slight character study of John Marston as well. Warning for major game spoilers and descriptions of traumatizing events.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been wanting to write this for a while, but could never quite start without finishing enough of the second game. Now that I'm almost done I feel I can actually give them proper attention as well as fully express John as a character. Also I suck at writing fight scenes lol forgive me.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! ✊🏻🤠

     One year.

     One year is how long he has been gone. Yet somehow in a single year things in the Van Der Linde gang changed drastically. Not so much the order of things or Dutch or Hosea, but the people changed. When John thinks back on it he remembers a lot less _people_. A lot less new faces. They picked up how many new members? Three? Four? There were three girls and one boy added to the lot if he remembers correctly.

     One was Mary-Beth, an easy name to remember thankfully. She seems nice enough, a warm smile on a freckle-covered face. Easy on the eyes and easier to talk to surprisingly. She is the only person who doesn't seem completely disgusted by his existence for now. And he doesn't blame anyone either, he's been rotten. He _is_ rotten for leaving like that, but Hosea already knows that. Dutch already knows it. Arthur really knows it.

     The other is around the same age as Mary-Beth, maybe a bit younger. Also pretty, also nice. But he can see the anger at him in her eyes. Ah, she must be close with Abigail. Her name is Tilly, right? Yeah Tilly. She's an interesting character, soft but he can see she has fight in her. Like a rabbit or something. Cute but with a powerful kick. Figures he'll never get on with her very well. At least not as long as Abigail hates him and he knows that’ll be a lifetime. 

     There is one more girl that joined while he was gone. Kimberly? Kelsey? What is her name? Karen. Her name is Karen. She is…something. Pretty, sure, but god damn if she never shuts up. She's always up in arms about something or loudly reciting a funny story. Almost talks more than Grimshaw or Dutch. And sings a lot. Sings to that stupid guitar. Stupid guitar that normally wouldn't be a bother if it wasn't for who is always attached to it.

     Javier. Now that's a name he can't forget. One that always stings his tongue to say. A bitterness behind his voice anytime he needs to speak it.

     Javier isn't... _bad_ exactly. He's never been incredibly cruel or harsh to John. More so he's...uppity? Holier than thou? He can't quite place his finger on it, but something about him pisses him off. Possibly the way he dresses all dolled-up like it's some contest to look nice. Last John checked they were outlaws, not fancy city-folk and businessmen. Or maybe it was the way Javier carried himself? There was a confidence in his step, he knows what he wants to do and he just….does it. Guess a part of him admires that more than hates him for it.

     Now that brings the question to John: is it hatred or jealousy? Does he wish he was _like_ Javier? No. Christ he'd rather die than be some pretty guitar-playing handsomely dressed guy. Dressing like that was uncomfortable as hell. So does he just...hate him? Maybe so. That or...or he isn't sure. He can't seem to decide what the hell that man is to him. Not now at least, it's only been a few weeks after all.

     So he stands on patrol, half wanting to be of use and half wanting to avoid everyone, thinking to himself about what the hell he's even doing back. It's doing more harm than good for Abigail and the boy. Jack. Jack is what...a year and three months now? Do babies remember crap like this? He doesn't remember, that much is clear. Then again he had his father as a parent. Lord knows that man probably dropped him one too many times. It's probably why he's made dumb decisions like running away for a year only to come crying home to daddy.

     Christ he felt like a child, sitting there sobbing like a baby into Dutch's arms while apologizing profusely when he should have been saying it to Abigail. How many people heard? How many laughed? Did Mary-Beth hear and now pities him? He shoves it far away in his mind. No sense in making himself want to curl up in a ball and die more than he already does currently. He's already plenty aware of what a worthless sack of shit he is. In Abigail's eyes, in his own brother's too.

     What did he even do that year anyway? Wash his thoughts and problems away in a bottle of whiskey hoping that maybe just maybe he could drink himself a new person? As if alcohol somehow makes him more likeable. It sure did make him think he was or at least it dulled the part of him that had any sense in it. The part of him that had to sit with the aftermath of it the following morning. Aftermath usually meaning alone in an empty inn room to wallow in self pity. Something he's actually an expert in.

     Why did he leave anyway? Fear is what he tells himself, but he's just like his father isn't he. Full of anger and hatred at his own child for simply existing. That had to be it, right? It wasn't that he was terrified of becoming his father. That's what people do, they become their parents or some crap. A part of him hopes that means he'll end up like Hosea or Dutch, a part of him knows the truth.

     How does he even know it's his kid? Couldn't Abigail choose Arthur? Sure it definitely _wasn't_ his kid, but he's far more suited to be a father. His brother is everything he's not. Kind, loveable, easy to talk to, wise beyond his years, reliable yet still young at heart. He was good with kids too whereas all John could manage was an awkward shuffle and a word or two. A child was too much. Not now. Hell not ever, not for him. He isn't deserving or right for it no matter how much he wants to be. What he is is a coward.

     Coward. A pinch to the skin on his wrist, hard and digging in his nails. The pain takes his mind off things for a second, but only a second. Worthless. Another pinch, a little harder this time. Nails digging a little deeper. Mistake. Again. Burden. Again. Childish. His father's words ringing in his head like a church bell as he pinches again. Holds until...shit. He's broken skin with his nails. Brings his wrist up to his mouth as if somehow licking his wound will fix it. It doesn't, but a part of him enjoys tasting his own blood. Tells him he's alive? Or that he's capable of being hurt. Maybe killed if he's lucky. If only he'd of died in the womb like a good boy, maybe mama would still be here. That's what he tells himself. What his pa told him.

     “Hellooo? You listening to me? I said times up. You can go to bed. I’ll take it from here.”

     John is interrupted by none other than the current bane of his existence, Javier. God he can hear the sarcasm in his voice. Thinks he's better than him, doesn't he. Piece of shit.

     “Shut it, I can hear ya just fine _princess_.” Hears him more than he cares to right now. “Don't gotta take my place, I'm fine keepin’ watch. You go get that precious beauty rest of your's. Just leave me the hell alone.”

     Javier huffs out a laugh, “ _I'm fine keepin’ watch._ Las mamadas you didn't even hear me coming.” Pauses. “You got some problem with me?”

     “I ain't got a problem.” Liar. 

     “Oh I think you've got a problem.” He sounds irritated. Why the hell is _he_ irritated? “Wanna tell me what it is? Cause I think I've been pretty nice to you considering-”

     “ _Nice?_ ” John snaps at him.”Is that what you call it, buddy? Trust me I know when someone's shittin’ on me without sayin’ it an’ you are.” 

     Javier puts up his hands in defeat. “You know what? Stay on watch. Think you need to cool off friend.”

     “We ain't friends.” John isn't letting him get off that easy.

     “ _Yeah._ I know.” Rolls his eyes at John. “It's called sarcasm cabrón.”

     Okay enough is enough. He isn't taking anymore of this guy's crap. Of anyone's. He’s sick and tired of people looking at him with disdain. It wasn't in their words, but he could see it. Feel it. It wasn't any different for Javier. He judged John for leaving. Probably thought he was disgusting and immature. Unworthy and unwanted. Who the hell is he to judge? Javier is new to the gang. Dutch and Hosea aren't his parents, they didn't raise him like they raised John. But here he is acting all high and mighty all because he knows John ran away over a child.

     John lunges at Javier as he's walking away, slamming him onto the ground. Javier is fast to attempt to break free, but John's stronger than him he knows that.

     “Hey what the hell are yo-”

     Turns him over, letting a fist strike his face. Another. Another. One more attempt, but his wrist grabbed and Javier is flipping him onto his back. Before he can make a move there's a hit to his face. It stings, but nothing he can't handle. Unfortunately for Javier, John is well-versed in fist fights. And Javier's punch is light like his weight. Grabs his arm as he goes in for another swing. Grabs the other when Javier tries to hit him with that one. Holds his arms as he struggles to break them free. What he doesn't expect is for Javier to bring John’s arm up to his mouth and bite down onto the skin. And he bites _hard._ But John isn't letting him win, not that easily.

     “Ah-! Fuck.” He grunts, “Motherfucker!”

     John kicks him in the gut and Javier bites down harder, his other arm twisting free from John's grasp. Blood is drawn from the bite and now his blood stains Javier's mouth as he pulls away. Frees his other hand. Another hit to his face, this time it's harder, it stings more. Breaks the skin on John's lip, a bead of blood slowly peeking out. Well, might as well match. He goes right for his mouth and slams hard into his face. There. Now they were even. Javier spits blood out to the side, turns back to John. His nose is bleeding. Punches John again.

     With his now bloody arm, he grabs Javier by the shirt and throws him to the side. Quickly moves himself onto Javier, keeping his weight on Javier’s legs before he has the chance to move. Takes hold of his shirt again, pulling him up off the ground. Gets ready to swing again, but stops himself. What the hell was he doing? He sure as hell didn't like Javier, but this. Thought he decided to stop this. Drops his fist, letting it hit the ground.

     “Oh, what? You decided your done? Had your fun?” Javier is fearless as he speaks. It's something John could only dream of being. Maybe it's admiration he feels towards him, maybe jealousy. For now it's a little of both. “Come on! Hit me!”

     “I ain't hittin’ you. Again.” Tosses him back onto the ground, “Should consider yourself lucky I ain't.”

     Javier pushes himself up onto his elbows as John gets up, turning to walk away from this. From everything. All he could think about right now was sleep. That sweet temporary release from all of this. This...this absolute goddamn mess. Christ was he tired. He's been tired a long time now. Think he realized that during his year away. At least it did _some_ good he supposes. As he walks away he hears Javier yell behind him.

     “You're an arrogant son of a bitch, John!”

     He chuckles, mostly to himself before calling back to him. “Told ya I knew when someone was shittin’ on me without sayin’ it.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> john: fellas is it gay
> 
> uuh this happened a lot faster than expected. john flows really naturally for me so writing for him is always a bit cathartic for me. not sure when the next chapter will be out, could be tomorrow or in two days, but it's been nice writing this !! 
> 
> again thanks for any love or feedback it's all appreciated 💚💚 (again forgive my spanish most of my knowledge comes from my qpp so it's 90% curse words and 10% cutesy nicknames so if you see an error feel free to lemme know !)

     “I am _not_ going on a job with him! That's insane and you know it!”

     “Calm down son!” Dutch sounds stressed, annoyed, the usual things with him. “Arthur is already helping me and Hosea out with a job. Plus he doesn't seem too _keen_ on being around you right now, John. Now I know he'll come around, he always does, but for now I need you to trust me. Alright?”

     John huffs, it's ridiculous. _This_ is ridiculous. “So why can't I go with you two? Arthur and Javier get along just fine. Me and Javier? That's a death sentence. For both of us.”

     “Well...We….” Dutch gives a nervous look over to Hosea who sighs in response. 

     “We need you and the boy to get along. Putting you two on a job together may be...eehh...an issue, possibly. But Dutch and I would _hope_ you could learn to get along with him. And it's a small job, so no harm done if you mess up. So long as you two come back not as medical cases covered in each other's _blood_ , I think we'll be just fine.” 

     “Hell no. I _ain't_ gonna be his pal just cause you and Dutch asked me to.”

     “That's great because we aren't asking John. You're going, end of discussion.”

     John motions an arm to Hosea, looking at Dutch. “You okay with all this crap?”

     Dutch sighs, “Look...John... _son._ We...we need us, this gang, to work together and that means I need you to get along with Javier. Now I ain't asking you to become his best friend, his most trusted companion. I am simply asking, insisting, that you give the man a chance.”

     God dammit. Dutch really knew his way with words and added with that stupid, pleading _‘Do it for your dad?’_ look, how the hell was he supposed to say no. Pretty sure if he did Hosea would rip him a new one anyway. No wonder these two were partners, they were unstoppable.

     “One job?”

     “One job. That is all I ask John. Then you can be free to do whatever job with whomever you please.”

     John huffs out a more dramatic sigh than necessary. “Fine.”

     Hosea claps his hands together in victory. Jeez no need to rub it in. “Alright, that settles it. The ride shouldn't be more than four or five hours. Plenty of time for you two to chat away.” He wheezes out a laugh. 

     “Very funny.” 

     “He's quite the comedian! Now off with you, you’ve got a busy day ahead of you.” Dutch adds as John turns to leave. “And do try not to kill him, John. I've grown quite fond of the man.”

     “As have I.” Hosea chimes in.

     Ugh. Rolls his eyes as he exits the tent only to be greeted by a lazily leaning Javier. He pushes himself off the tent’s pole he's on, a smirk on his face. Oh good god he heard it all didn't he? And now he has to spend what? Ten...fifteen hours with this guy? Lord have mercy on his soul and give him strength.

     “Quite the ruckus you made in there.” 

     “Oh shut up.” Swats a hand at him as he passes, Javier quickly catching up to his side. “Let's just get this over with.”

     “Wait wait wait wait wait...aren't we...supposed to be _getting along_ right now? Cause...you're sounding awfully mean John.”

     Oh wow. This guy was having fun pissing him off, wasn't he? John only offers an annoyed sigh in response, picking up his pace as to get to his horse faster. This is suddenly the most excruciatingly long walk he's been on, but thankfully it ends. John mounts his horse and Javier follows suit. Sighs.

     “Really hate me that much, huh?”

     Again, no answer. He simply starts his horse up and begins a hopefully silent journey to their destination. A winter cabin from some rich well-off family of cotton growers. Cause rich people needed entirely separate houses for the seasons apparently. John finds the concept laughable at best. It’s spring currently so the home is to be empty, perfect for an easy home robbery.

     The ride over is quiet for the most part, Javier occasionally humming a tune. John can't help but note how nice his voice is when he hums along, so he decides not to make a fuss. The song is a small distraction, a background more, to the thoughts screaming to be heard in his head. It's hard to stay angry at him for once with that calming sound helping ease his mind over to easier thoughts. Javier is actually quite pleasant for someone he hates. To be honest, he isn't sure if it _is_ hatred. Since that fight he's thought more on it. Thought more on how he feels about Javier. Why he feels attacked by him. John wants to believe it's a justified hate towards a rude, uppity asshole, but in the back of his mind he knows the truth. Knows he's jealous that already in the time he's known him he's shown himself to be a better man than John. Stronger, smarter, kinder, wiser. Easier on the eyes. A _lot_ easier on the eyes.

     Isn't sure what exactly makes him particularity nice to look at. Is it the band of thick lashes on his eyelids that he's seen flutter closed as he plays? Or is it the eyes themselves? A deep dark brown like that coffee Abigail is almost always seen holding. Hard not to get lost in the complexity of them the few times he _has_ looked at them. Could be his hair. It was longer, always tied back, but the few times he's seen it down he can't help his gaze from wandering over. Or is it his lips? They always seemed to be in a pout, which John admittedly finds a bit cute. Also admits the man has a nice smile. Maybe it was his overall face. He thinks that's it. He thinks-

     Alright that's enough.

     Time to move away from _that_ train of thought. And time to stop looking at Javier who is thankfully oblivious to John's blatant staring. Right, he's supposed to “get along” with Javier anyway. Do it for Hosea. It can't be all that bad. Not when he can look at a face like that. John clears his throat, grabbing Javier's attention. Crap, really is easy on the eyes. Especially when he isn't being a sarcastic little shit. 

     “So…” John's voice is nervous as he speaks. “Hosea and Dutch fill you in? On the uh...on the job?”

     “Yep. Filled me in before they talked to you. Rob a home from rich landowners who are dumb enough to leave valuables in it when they aren't around.” Pauses for a second before playfully adding, “And I could hear everything in Dutch's tent anyway so. Don't worry, I'm _all_ filled in.” 

     “Christ alive…” John can't hold back a quiet chuckle from escaping him. Sees Javier raise his eyebrows in surprise. “What? I ain't allowed to laugh?” 

     “No, no. Course not...just…” Shrugs, looking away from John. “Don't think I've ever seen you laugh or smile is all. Thought you was gonna kill me for that.” Javier huffs out a quiet laugh of his own. 

     “Well...guess I'm in a good mood.”

     “Guess so.” Javier smiles warmly at him. “For the record I think I prefer good mood John. So far.”

     “Thanks…” Offers back a weak smile. Thinks he prefers it as well. 

     Maybe he's preferring it a little too much. Hosea and Dutch said get along for now not _enjoy talking to him_. Dammit. God dammit. He doesn't want to like him, but every fiber in his body is making him act otherwise. Making him think otherwise. The reasoning floats back to jealousy. That must be it. What else could it be? Javier has given no real reasons for John to hate him. In the short time he's known Javier he hasn't once initiated any arguments. It was always John. Always him stirring the pot letting the blood boil till Javier snapped and fought back. Must of always been what Javier was doing, fighting back. Wonders if the initial passive attitude of his is a survival instinct or he knows no good comes of a petty fist-fight. Come to think of it he doesn't really _know_ Javier at all.

     Within the first week or so John was learning the three new girls stories, all through Mary-Beth mostly. How they grew up, how they joined up with this sorry lot, their hopes and dreams, so on and so forth. In that time he never once heard about Javier. He recalls asking that Tilly girl about it. She seems to stick around him quite a lot and Javier talks to her. Least he thinks he does, has no reason to believe otherwise. She was very hushed about the whole thing, only giving a sharp painful inhale and a _“What I know is it's not pretty I tell you that, but it's not my story to tell John.”_ Which, you know, not very helpful. As if he can just talk to Javier. Though knowing that he wonders-

     “What is your story anyway?” Javier looks at him, taken aback. Oh god he said it out loud. Takes a deep breath before he attempts to save himself. “I mean...I...I heard the girls stories. How they got here and all the shit in between but I…I ain't never asked you about it.”

     Javier squints his eyes at John as though he's surveying some unseen sign of John's thought process. Not completely sure what runs through that man's mind. Not sure if he wants to know or if he could even grasp at it. Turns his eyes forwards and let's a quiet fall between them for a moment. Nice going, asshole. Now Javier definitely hates him.

     “Let's just say I…messed up…real bad…and now I'm here. I'd tell you more but…we both know you're only asking so you have something to show for Hosea and Dutch.”

     “That ain't true!” Whoa slow down on the defense. “That ain’t true I…I want to know.”

     Javier looks him up and down. Sighs, almost in defeat. Almost. “Okay. Then it's only fair that I get to know your story, John.”

     “What.”

     “You heard me, an answer to whatever you wanna ask for a question I got for you.” John can feel his face scrunch up at the thought of it. “Think of it like uh...like a game! Come on, it'll be fun. What'd ya say?" 

     John sighs, guess this is the price he'll pay to learn about this mystery of a man. So long as he gives Javier just enough, but not too much, he should be just fine. Right? Right.

     “Fine.” Thinks of a first question. He'll start simple for Javier's sake and his own hopefully. “How…how long you been in America? Dutch says you was from Mexico originally.”

     “Yeah, yeah I was. Been here about...three years now. Two years.” He sounds distant for a moment like he's traveling back to another point in time, one John isn't aware of. Then he snaps back to reality. “Okay my turn. Why'd you run off for a year?”

     “Christ…really…startin’ like that ain't ya.” Javier doesn't respond, simply keeps his eyes on John expectantly. “Alright I…I don't know. I don't know why I left. Dumb mistake I guess.” 

     “Mentira.”

     “...What.” 

     “Liar it _means liar._ ” He huffs, “It ain't that. No-one runs off like that without a reason. Trust me…I know.”

     “Okay _fine_ I…I ran away cause I was scared. Scared of bein’ a father, scared of becoming my father. Still fuckin’ scared.” Why the hell did he say that? Why is opening up to _him_ of all people? “There. You happy?”

     “Sure, you answered my question.” He's quiet for a moment, looks nervous. “If I'm being honest, John, I don't think that gives anyone permission to treat you as less. A lot of people would have run away.”

     “Can it, I don't need your damn pity.” Oh. Think he's figured out why Javier can piss him off so much. Pity. Javier pities him and he can't stand that. “Why'd _you_ run away then? From Mexico. Ain't that your home?” 

     “Dios mío, okay. That's...fair.” Puts his hands up before plopping then back down. “I…I killed a man. High-ranking officer in the military or….he was before retirement. Couldn't put my family in danger so...I left with the clothes on my back.”

     “Christ...I’m…That's real tough leavin’ your home like that. I'm…” Clears his throat. “I'm sorry.”

     “For asking? Don't be.” Swats a hand at John, dismissing the apology. “I rather my family be safe. You got any family?”

     “That your question?”

     Shrugs nonchalantly, “Sure.”

     “I guess, in a way. My ma and pa are long gone, but Dutch and Hosea kind of filled that role in their own way. Raised me and Arthur both from childhood so guess they're my parents…in a way.” John laughs to himself, almost painfully so. “And Arthur well...guess I always seen him as a brother. Doubt he feels the same.”

     “I think he does. At least from how he talks about you. Almost sounds like my sister sometimes.”

     “You got a sister?”

     “Yeah, a whole five years older.”

     “And what about your parents? You get along with them?”

     “Sure, I love my mother, but my father? Eehh…not so much. What about you? Your parents, did you get along with them?”

     John laughs at the idea of getting along with his father. Javier looks a tad confused at the sudden outburst of laughter from him. Can't say he doesn't blame him.

    “Sorry, sorry it's just…My dad was the single most rotten man I knew. He was a mean son-of-a bitch with no love. Except for a bottle of whiskey, reckon that's the only thing he loved. So no, I didn't exactly get along with him.”

     “And your mother?”

     “Didn't get the chance to know her.” He says almost indifferently. “She died in childbirth.”

     “Oh…I'm…I’m sorry for asking.” Javier sounds sheepish, doesn't think he's ever heard him like that before. 

     “Don't be it…it ain't like theres anything to really be sad about. I never knew her so…guess I'm lucky in a way. Ain't nothing I can really miss about her.”

     “That's…a way of looking at it…” Javier laughs to himself. “You know…I think our fathers would have gotten along.”

     “You think so?”

     “Oh I know so. Two pendejos who love the bottle more than their families? Reckon they were made for eachother.”

     Can't help but laugh at the idea of that. His father getting along with someone? It's ridiculous to even fathom. The man picked fights if someone so much as _looked_ at him the wrong way. Guess he really does take after his father. But that can change. Sounds as though Javier's father was quite the shitshow as well, but he's fine. Doesn't stir up trouble or drink excessively. If there's hope for Javier, maybe there is hope for him as well.

     They continue on like this, a back and forth of questions and answers, though it loses the structure of turns. Some questions and answers are more deep, some more simple. It helps to pass the last bit of time as they make their way to their destination. It also helps John better understand Javier. Understand how he feels about him, least as much as he can comprehend for now. He's sure there's more. There's always more with him.

     Time seems to fly by and they make it to the home. Stop a safe distance away before hitching their horses.

     “One more question John. One more.”

     “Alright…shoot.”

     “Why you hate me so much?” Gives his horse a gentle pat before turning to face John. “Or… _do_ you even hate me cause…cause one minute you're mad at me and the next…”

     John sighs, turning towards Javier. “I don't _hate_ you Javier I…I don't know yet. It's complicated. But I don't hate you.”

     “Okay…Good to know.”

     Pauses before speaking, “For the record...it uh…it was nice. Talkin’ instead of fighting for once.”

     “Yeah, it was.” Elbows John's side, “Hey maybe you'll stop picking fights with me now, huh?”

     John chuckles, maybe. Maybe he will. No, he definitely will.

  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back at it again ! i'm really on a roll with this. i might be slowing down a bit because i'm doing 9 hr work days for a week, but hopefully i can manage to push out some more stuff.
> 
> edit: forgot john specified he shot the man he killed so oops!!!

     Solace.

     It is something rare for John to find these days, especially with himself. He recalls a time he could find solace in the company of Arthur, but that time is long gone now, isn't it. It's funny, ironic almost, how the one person he normally turns to in times of pain is the one person he can't seem to even catch the attention of. Oh how he could use his elder brother's wisdom and empathy right now. Issue is the problem is far too personal for the both of them. John can understand where Arthur's anger comes from and he's justified in feeling so. But it still hurt. To be alone.

     What a terrifying concept when he really thinks about it. He isn't one for people, least not too much of them. But even he can admit the idea of being alone is scary. Guess it's because he knows what it's like. To be alone, really truly alone. With just yourself and survival. No-one to really talk to, outside yourself of course, and no support system to fall back onto. As if he ever had one before then. His father would kill him for thinking that, but the truth hurts sometimes doesn't it. And his father loved to tell the truth.

     John's father was never really a father, was he? When he thinks back on it, he doesn't recall ever being taken care of by him. It was always him taking care of his father, getting him out of the dumb situations he drunkenly stumbled into. John, always John. It wasn't really until he met Dutch that he was taken care of. A part of him laughs at the secondhand embarrassment he feels remembering what a pain he was. Temperamental, closed-off, always running to Arthur for help. Huh. Guess he really hasn't changed much, has he?

     Poor Dutch and Hosea. They really had their hands full with John back then, even now they do. He remembers overhearing them discussing how to coax him into talking more. How doing so was like pulling teeth. Remembers Dutch sounding so desperate to find a way to get this dumb twelve-year-old to let himself be a kid. Guess Arthur was the one to break the protective shell. Make him feel safe enough, cared for, to be a child. Well, as much as he could be in the circumstances. It was far more than he ever had before though.

     And Arthur was far better than he deserved. Still is. The man was only twenty-two, same age as John now, and he took on the responsibility of an older brother without any signs of remorse. John still doesn't understand his brother fully, doesn't think he ever will, but he's thankful as hell for him. Not sure if he'll ever have the guts to say it. Least not to his face he will, but he does.

     He wonders what Arthur would have done. Had he been in the situation John reluctantly finds himself in. Probably not of ran off cause he was scared that's for damn sure. But if he did run away how would he handle things now? Would John himself be as angry at Arthur as he is now at John? No, he has no reason for it. Not like Arthur does.

     The train of thought is interrupted by a light smack to the back of his head. Rubbing his head, he turns to see one of his jackets landed on the floor beside him. A few paces away is Javier, who seems to be in high-spirits. He looks excited which either means something good or very bad for John.

     “Come on. Today you are learning to swim!”

     Oh dear god, he forgot about that. 

     “Jesus Javier…” John turns away, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hands. Turns back to Javier, standing up as he reluctantly pulls on his jacket. “I was joking when I said you could teach me. You do know what a joke is right? Cause sometimes I really feel like you don't.” 

     “Course I know what a joke is! It's a twenty-two year old man who doesn't know how to swim.” Javier pats John's back as catches up to him. “I mean…I'm younger than you and I swim just fine. Kinda sad, ain't it?”

     “Not when they're younger by _five months_ it ain't.”

     “Ay, so sensitive John…where's the optimism?”

     “I _hate_ water. You know that.”

     “And I know you'll die drowning if you keep being so stubborn.” 

     “Alright, alright!” John puts his hands up in defeat. “I'll do it, but only cause you're makin’ me.”

     “Good cause I found the perfect spot. Not too deep, not too shallow and pretty secluded too since you're so sensitive.” Motions John to follow him. “Come on! It's a short ride over, fifteen minutes at most.”

     “I ain't…I ain't sensitive.” He says as he catches up to Javier. “I just got some dignity.”

     “Sure you do John and I have twelve fingers.”

     “Very funny.” Can't hide the smile on his face as he rolls his eyes.

     After the home robbery a while back, John and Javier had become quite close. Guess Dutch was right afterall. Just needed to give Javier a chance. Turns out they have a lot more in common than John originally assumed. There is a quick energy between them and the two of them seem to bounce off each other's personalities. It's almost natural, the way they speak, like he's known Javier far longer than the reality. Makes him wish he had gotten over his own jealousy and…whatever else earlier. He's lucky, he thinks, that Javier gave him a chance. That Javier is kind enough to allow him in even after all the shit he gave him. He said it was because he knew deep down John wasn't all that bad. That he was just hurt, looking for someone to take out all the things he was feeling onto. And that Javier was an easy target, seeing as he was new to the gang. John thinks Javier is giving him far too much credit.

     That's the thing about Javier. The man has far too much empathy, far too much kindness, for someone who's lived his life should have. How does he do it after everything? How does he stay so gentle? So empathetic? John admires that about him. Admires a lot of things about Javier. He's certainly learned to do that very well over the past few months and there was a lot _to_ admire. Javier certainly makes it easy for him, as he does with most things.

     There's obviously his musical prowess, that much is clear. He really has a knack for it, showing feeling and emotion to people despite the language sung being entirely foreign to them. When Javier sings he feels exactly how Javier does. It's an odd connection. To feel something so strongly but not have words to put to it. Guess John can really understand that in a way.

     Then there's his dexterity with a blade. Swears he gets panic attacks _for_ him watching Javier tap away at five finger fillet. And now that they've gone on a few jobs together, he knows how well the man can aim a knife. Almost draws it faster than a gun. Pretty sure he's better with a knife than a gun. John makes a mental image of him bringing throwing knives to a standoff. Yeah, he'd be just fine.

     John brings his attention Javier, who's riding next to him. It's funny, he remembers how strongly he felt about this man. How much he despised him before even knowing him. Knows now that it was only petty jealousy. Knows how to make that jealousy into admiration now as well as something else. Something he can't quite place his finger on or maybe he doesn't want to. Afterall, admitting it would open a whole other problem with Javier. A problem Javier would have with John and for now he wishes to have no other problems with him. He only wants to be in his company.

     “Should be just off the road here…follow me.” Javier guides his horse off the path towards a thicket of trees.

     Oh, right. John remembers why they're here again. It's almost as though his own mind is desperately trying to save him some early anxiety. He tries to remind himself he trusts Javier. He trusts him. Javier won't put him in danger, won't hurt him. Certainly not on purpose he won't. Crap, he's far more anxious than he expected to be. Who knew a small joking remark would lead to this? John should have known better. Afterall, Javier is really the “face your fears!” kind of guy. Comes off that way at least or he just enjoys helping people way too much. Probably the latter. 

     Javier hops off his horse, John stumbles off, and walks over to the edge of the lake. He turns to John, motioning his arms out wide with an excited look on his face. 

     “Here it is! Nice, ain't it?” Javier starts making his way back to John who refuses to move any further than off his horse. “I found it while looking for good fishing spots with Hosea. Not many fish, buuut think it'll do nicely to practice some swimming.”

     “Sure…” John looks over to the lake in the distance and shudders, attention goes back to Javier. “Remind me why the hell I'm doing this?”

     “Because…” Watches as Javier removes his shoes, vest and belt then takes down his hair. “You're an adult man who has no idea how to swim. You need to learn.”

     “Riiight…” Motions a finger at Javier, at all of him. “And the hell are you doing?”

     Rolls up his sleeves. “Not ruining my stuff when I have the option.” Doesn't move as Javier begins undoing the vest John is wearing. “And I refuse to come back with _you_ looking like a wet dog.”

     John laughs as he speaks, “A wet dog, huh? That's a new one. And rich coming from the man who's so fussy about getting his shoes wet.”

     “Water ruins leather.” He gives a look to John's vest, which is leather, as he tugs it off. “You'll thank me in a few years.”

     “Sure.” 

     Javier makes his way back to the edge of the lake, John removing his shoes before making his way over as well. Then he turns to John and puts his hands out to him, offering. It takes him a moment, staring at the hands in disbelief, but not too long before he puts his hands in Javier's. And he does so gently, nervously, almost as if he did so any other way he'd break Javier's hands. They're surprisingly cold in John's own warm hands and he can tell which hand he uses to strum at his guitar from the calluses on his fingertips. They feel…right. John isn't sure why or if he should even think that, but he can't help but note how well they fit together as Javier slowly guides him into the water. Stops him when the water hits mid-thigh, feet still touching the rocky floor below.

     “Okay. This should be good.” Javier doesn't let go. “You ready?”

     He's keeping his eyes on their hands, not at Javier's face for that might be far more terrifying than any swimming lesson. Terrifying to have him as close as he is right now. Not sure why it's scary. He's stood close to others in the gang. Hell, he's stood far closer to complete strangers, not that he enjoyed it but he wasn't scared then. For some reason with Javier the idea of looking at him this close is vulnerable. It's scary. A part of him wonders if swimming lessons has something to do with it. Part of him wonders if it has to do with something else, a part of him he's neglected to confront for a long time now. Well, he certainly isn't about to start.

     He takes a deep breath that's far more shaky than he'd like. Maybe tightens his grip on Javier, maybe not, he can't exactly focus on that at the moment. Least not anymore now that he's focusing on the water below him and remembers why he's here in the first place.

     “I guess, much as I can be.”

     Glances up at Javier to catch him give a small nod before attempting to let go of John’s hands. Doesn't realize just how tight he's hanging on till Javier gently speaks to him. 

     “It's okay, it's okay. You're alright. I ain't letting you get hurt, John.”

     “Jesus…feel like a damn child.”

     Takes a deep breath again before letting go. Javier’s hands find their way to John's waist which he can't help but hold his breath at the feeling. Follows where his hands lead, turning John around so his back faces Javier. 

     “Easy, juuust breathe John.”

     “Shut it I ain't a horse.”

     “No, but you're more nervous than Boaz right now. So just breathe, okay?” Hears him mutter a _There you go_ as John relaxes. Moves his hands to either side of John's chest. “Okay just lean back, yeah? I've got you.”

     Turns his head back to face Javier. “No way in hell am I doing that. How's that gonna teach me to swim?" 

     “It's a start, get you used to the water. You'll float then you'll swim and if not…I'll be holding onto you. So…relax, okay?”

     Tries to remember he trusts him. He trusts him. He really trusts him.

     “Okay just…don't let me die." 

     “You ain't gonna die.” 

     “Hopefully.”

     And he falls back, slowly, with Javier guiding him down. The water envelopes him at first like a blanket, comforting and relaxing, easing his mind as he floats on the shallow waters. Javier is giving small words of encouragement though muffled through the waters cover on John's ears. What he hears mostly is himself. Everytime time he swallows the sound echoes through his mind. If he speaks it sounds so much louder, so much more powerful than before…though he knows his voice sounds meek in reality. And Javier. Javier sounds so distant, but he can see him. 

     He tells John to close his eyes, focus on floating in the water, so he does. He trusts him, he's learned to trust him. Javier has more than earned John's trust, he's giving him a chance when no one else is. As his eyes close though he notices the comfort fade gradually. Something about not seeing Javier, not _hearing_ him is scary. Not hearing anyone. Or anything. Being alone. 

     It's so quiet, why is it so quiet? Say something, anything. Just wants to hear any sign of the man above him, of anyone. He doesn't feel Javier's hands on him anymore. Doesn't even feel his presence. Oh god he's gone isn't he. He's alone. He's alone. He's…

     Sinking.

     Drowning? No, not yet. He knows the sensation. John is far too familiar with it. A part of him feels that man's hand clasping onto his hair pulling him under, a part of him knows it's impossible. He's dead. He can't get him. Not anymore. Yet somehow he finds himself believing it, believing himself. He can remember the feeling of his lungs filling with water, sparing no room for air. The sharp sting to his throat and chest as he's held underneath the surface. Please…please. He just wants some change, something, anything. He's sorry, he promises he won't do it again. If only he could get some air he could say it. He doesn't want to die. Not yet. 

     Fight back.

     The effort it takes to kill a man he remembers. That instinct he had to pull the trigger. Protect himself. Watching the life drain from his eyes he can't forget. But he has to fight. He's always fighting.

     Always.

     Always.

     “John! John breathe!”

     Snaps back to reality. Where…where is he. Javier. He sees Javier in front of him half holding him close and half holding him _back._ Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. Feels himself go limp in Javier's arms. Christ how fast was he breathing? When did they leave the water? What happened? There's so many thoughts, so many questions, screaming to be heard, but he can only croak out one thing.

     “I'm sorry…”

     Curls into Javier who feels like a warm cover of safety at this point. Feels the tears pooling in his eyes, instinctively gives a pinch to his arm. Javier notices, stops him from continuing. Whispers _It's okay_ to him, only enough so he can hear. He still sounds distant, but his voice is leading him back gently. Back to safety. And for the first time in a long time John lets himself feel. He cries into Javier’s chest which brings a warm comfort. And he knows he isn't crying over swimming, thinks Javier knows that too.

     “I-I-I-I….I’m I’m sorry…” Can't recall the last time he's stuttered that bad. Not since he first met Dutch, Hosea and Arthur or maybe earlier than that.

     “Shh…you don't gotta apologize it's okay.” Javier is rubbing his back, coaxing him to let it out. He does. “I shouldn't of pushed you.”

     It's a small while before he feels completely relaxed again. Javier is surprisingly handling the entire thing well. John thinks he must of dealt with this before. Wonders if he's gone through it himself.

     There isn't much speaking as they go back. Javier quietly pulling on his shoes and wrapping John in his jacket. Only asks if he's okay to ride his horse to which he only nods. He tries to apologize to Javier again, guess it's instinct at this point, but he dismisses every attempt. Javier takes them a quiet way back, going through so that no one in camp would notice them. John appreciates it.

     John appreciates Javier. His kindness, his patience. Thinks he's found something in Javier that he rarely finds in someone. He's found comfort.

     He's found solace in someone else.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took forever lol! i've been doing traing for a new store opening at my job so that means nine hour work days rip....but this one was a joy to write. it's short and a small explanation of kinda how i talked and learned my own bisexuality. it was fun to also explore john and arthur's relationship before everything went stale.

     “Arthur! Arthur wake up!” John whispers as he shakes his elder brother awake. “Get up you old man!”

     Arthur grumbles awake, almost like he's used to the disturbance now. Turns over, rubbing one eye, before huffing.

     “What, what?” Frowns at the last comment. “I ain't an old man I'm only twenty-four! What d'you want John? Was it another nightmare? Did you wet the bed?” 

     Punches his arm, “That was that was _one_ time! And it weren't no nightmare. I just…” Crosses his arms, turning his head away from Arthur. “I just I-I can't fall asleep…”

     “And you can't handle being the only one awake for a few hours…” Arthur lets out an exasperated sigh. “Okay. C'mon we'll go for a ride on Boudicea, usually helps you fall asleep.”

     “A-are you serious?” Stares up at Arthur as he slowly rises, stretching out his muscles.

     “Yes, now come on kid. Before I change my mind.” 

     John hops onto his feet, a happy pep in his step as he trots along behind his brother. He looks up at him as he catches up, hopes he can get that tall one day. Probably will be cursed to be short forever, unless he magically gets a late growth spurt. Also notes how exhausted Arthur looks and feels a bit guilty for waking him like that, but he can't be the only awake. Least not yet. That's far too close to being alone and he can't stand that for now. Maybe in a month, maybe in another year. _Give it time._ That's what Dutch and Hosea said.

     Arthur mounts Boudicea, helping John scramble up onto her to sit behind Arthur. He holds onto Arthur as he starts up his horse more quietly than necessary. John stays quiet, his head rested against Arthur's back, and watches the scenery pass them by. Arthur isn't riding too fast for they aren't exactly going anywhere in particular. Least as far as John knows they aren't.

     “So…” His brother says, half-distracted by riding. “You plan on telling me why you woke me up?”

     “No.” Rethinks his answer. “I don't know. I don't know. Maybe?”

     “Je _sus_ somethin's brotherin’ you if you're stuttering that much Little Johnny.” Voice goes softer when John doesn't answer. “You alright, kid? Someone botherin’ you? You want me to deal with them?”

     “No!! No, no.” Calms himself before continuing, “It it ain't someone just…something I-I guess. Something on my mind.” Slowly descends into a quiet mutter to himself. “Been on my mind a while now. W-well a long while now and-”

     “You're mumbling again Marston.”

     “Sorry sorry…”

     “It's okay just…can't understand ya when you're talkin’ so quiet.” Arthur steers the horse towards a nearby lake to ride alongside. “What _has_ been on your mind then?”

     “Idunno... it’s…it's hard to explain. You wouldn't get it.” 

     “Try me.”

     “...Okay…well…” Looks at the lake and watches how the moonlight dances on the water. “You know how…you know how…men uh…men are all sweet on ladies…?”

     “Sure…?”

     “Uh…an’ an’ ladies are sweet on men?”

     “...Sure…” Sounds confused as he speaks. “Is there a point your gettin’ to John?”

     “I'm getting to it!” Huffs and gives a weak punch to his brother's arm. Takes a moment to let Arthur's quiet chuckle subside. “Is it…is it… _normal_ for a man to be sweet on other men a-and…and ladies?”

     His brother is quiet for a minute as though he's calculating an answer for him. Trying to figure out how to best phrase his answer for John. After a short while, Arthur slows his horse and demounts Boudicea. Puts his arms up to help John get down as well. John's nervous from the prolonged silence from Arthur and a part of him worries if he's about to be left here for asking that. No, Arthur wouldn't do that. Would he? People can be surprisingly cruel, John knows that all too well for someone his age.

     “How old are you again? Fourteen?” Arthur's voice finally breaking the quiet.

     “Uh yeah yeah I'm….yeah.”

     “Thought so…Come on kid.”

     Arthur takes a deep breath, moving down towards the edge of the lake before taking a seat on the floor. He motions John over, patting the floor next to him. John obliges and plops down next to his brother. Once he's seated Arthur swings an arm tightly around John, pulling him in close. Arthur is warmer than John is, somehow, in the cold night air and John finds himself quietly resting his head against him. John looks up at Arthur, who again, seems to be searching for the right words.

     “First things first, John, you're a damn kid. You don't needa worry about all that romance stuff. Focus on you, focus on…being a damn kid.” He points a finger to John's chest for emphasis. “But…no. It ain't weird or wrong to like men and ladies. Just…keep it to yourself, yeah? People get mighty nasty over other people’s likes and dislikes. And…Dutch n’ Hosea want you safe…. _I_ want you safe, kid.”

     John stays quiet, digesting everything Arthur just said. Okay, so he isn't being left here. That's one good thing he supposes. He takes Arthur's words to heart, decides to keep that to himself. Decides to not think about it, for now, and try to be a kid for once even if he isn't all too sure what Arthur means by that.

     They look at the lake for a minute, neither one saying anything. John focuses on how the light shifts on the water's surface. How he can feel the rise and fall of Arthur's chest as he breathes. How he feels safe with him, knows Arthur always has his back and his best interest at heart. Thinks about how nice it is to be the one being taken care of for once. He's never had a brother before Arthur, but he thinks no-one could compare. His brother is everything he's not and everything he wants to be. John looks up to Arthur, doesn't think he's looked up anyone before. Aside from Landon Ricketts, but that's not a great role model now is it. Arthur Morgan is.

     “Hey uh…A-Arthur?” John's voice comes out meek as it cuts through the quiet.

     “Yeah, John?” 

     Gives an even weaker punch than before to Arthur's arm before nuzzling his head back into him. “Thanks…”

     Arthur smiles warmly at John before rustling his hair. John swats his hand away and he hears Arthur laugh. It's a comforting sound, laughter, and John smiles at hearing it.

     “Anytime kid. Anytime.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF! this one took a while....i was opening a new store for my job so i didn't get a ton of time to really sit and write. i guess with this chapter i wanted to show john taking care of javier more. showcase their friendship isn't only javier supporting and helping john. javier leans on john for support too. and tbh this went so many ways i have several drafts of scrapped parts. i'm pretty happy with the end result i think, but again all comments and feedback is appreciated! thank yooou 💚💚💐

     A singular knife with an ornate handle. That is the cause of John's current anxiety. It isn't a big deal, it doesn't _need_ to be a big deal. It's just a gift for a friend. A very beautiful and kind and handsome and talented friend. A gift to cheer said friend up. Looks down at it all tucked safely away in it's holder in his hands. It reminds John a lot of him. The ornate handle caught his eye first, so intricate and complex just like the man's dashing fashion. It is silver at first glance, but when the sunlight hits it just right it almost looks white. Just like him, it came off as one thing and once in a different light it was something, or some _one_ , far different.

     Tries to keep busy till he can build up the courage to actually search for Javier. The person who's somehow, in only just over a year, won over John. So he's grabbing a saddle rested nearby and gets to work on cleaning it. As he cleans he focuses on the sounds around him.

     Grimshaw is yelling at Arthur for coming back to camp so unkept. Arthur is arguing that he can't possibly stay squeaky clean when hunting for the gang. Dutch is speaking in hushed tones to Hosea, though it doesn't appear to be about any plans. They're smiling, Hosea wheezing out a laugh every so often, and fingers are intertwined with one another. Ah, reminiscing about old times again. When it was only Dutch and Hosea. Smiles at seeing them like that, it suits them both. He overhears Tilly and Mary-Beth speaking to each other. They're nearby so John can hear them far better than his parents laughing in the distance.

     “You know I noticed something real interesting Mary-Beth.” Her voice is sly as she speaks, a hidden playfulness behind a simple statement.

     Mary-Beth notices this, perks up her head. “Oh, please do share. I haven't had anything interesting in weeks.” 

     “Well…” Tilly looks about for prying ears and eyes. John tries to look as preoccupied as possible, which thankfully he’s quite good at. “You noticed Javier hangin’ around that John?”

     “Yeah…? What about it?”

     “Just a bit odd, ain't it? I thought they wasn't getting along and now suddenly one day…they're almost inseparable. It's like night an’ day those two…and if I'm being real honest with you Mary-Beth…” She leans in real close, but John has sharp hearing. Learned to listen close over the years. “...I don't much care for that John Marston. After hearing how he left Abigail and that baby? Who can respect someone after that? I know I can't.”

     “I suppose so…John hasn't been real mean to me or nothin’ though…” Mary-Beth sounds meek, almost shy to admit that she despises someone. It's okay, he knows. “I do think it's real rotten to leave like that, but…I don't know…maybe he had his reasons?”

     “Oh I'm real sure he _has_ plenty. But they're just a buncha excuses to me.” Tilly thinks a moment on what Mary-Beth said before continuing. “See…you and Javier? You two need to learn that there's such a thing as _too much_ empathy. Gets ya stuck with folks who don't deserve your time.”

     Mary-Beth gasps, an epiphany. 

     “You reckon that's what's gotten Javier and John real close like?” 

     “Reckon so.”

Mary-Beth nods her head thoughtfully, suddenly drawn to Tilly's side. No, not suddenly. She's always been there. It's just her knowing it's okay to hate John. And it is. He isn't expecting anyone to care about him, especially not after he left like that. Certainly didn't expect Javier to warm up to him like he did. Lucky him, he guesses. Unlucky Javier, he knows. 

     Decides it's time to tune out of that conversation, focus on something else. He sees Javier, but he's speaking to Abigail. She smiles and laughs at something John just missed. Javier is even better at speaking to Abigail compared to himself.

     Abigail’s laughter subsides, “Just…just know you ain't responsible for him. He's his own man, should be more than capable to take care of himself. Don't need…don't _deserve_ your kindness, Javier.”

     “Course…It's just…” Sounds a tad nervous as he speaks, like the conversation might go sour from what he plans to say. “It's just that I think…I _know_ that he's good. He deserves to be treated a little gently by _someone_ here. And…I like him.”

     “Fine.” She sounds exasperated. “It's your grave you’re diggin’. John'll be the death of you, _trust me._ ”

     Javier gives a light chuckle, “Then I’ll happily die.”

     Abigail smiles, shaking her head at the response. John feels his face grow hot from where he sits a good distance away. “You're one weird man, Javier Escuella. Just…be careful with him, okay? He's a monster of a man, but…I care an awful lot about him for some god known reason.”

     Places a gentle hand on Abigail's shoulder, “Course.”

     Then a simple pat-pat before he turns to walk away, Abigail making a b-line to Arthur. Javier is walking away from where John finds himself. Now is better than ever he supposes. Especially with hearing him stand up for John in a conversation he wasn't even part of. And against none other than Abigail Roberts. Gives a quick look over the knife in its sheath, then a quick peek out of the sheath. Okay. Gets up, putting away the now slightly clean saddle, and making his way to where Javier disappeared in the treeline.

     It's a short walk thankfully, but still just enough time for his nerves to build up. And over what? He's already been over this. It's just a gift of friendship or…or a show of things to be amicable between them. Simple. No big fuss, no reason to get so anxious. So why is he so anxious? John's never been one for gift giving, too vulnerable. Maybe it's that, but deep down he knows it's something more. Sure, he hates giving gifts, but there's a part of him he's been neglecting for a long time now. Something Arthur once told him to forget about as a child. Something he _should_ be focusing on now.

     An affection he feels. Towards men, towards Javier specifically now. The way he first felt with Abigail. That nervous, bubbling, stuttering feeling that arose from his gut to his throat when he saw her. He feels that now, with Javier, but this time he's suppressing those feelings. A part of him is upset with himself, if this had been a women he'd of confessed to _something_ by now. The other part of, however, is thankful. Thankful that his own anxiety forced him to learn about and get to know Javier. Got to fall for him more with each conversation, with each job they went on together. And he thinks he's fallen, hard, for Javier. More than he did for Abigail, more than he has for anyone he thinks.

     And he assumes it's because he's fallen for _who_ Javier is, who he really is. Not the idea of him. John's learned just who Javier is over the past year. Through jobs, through late night conversations to get through insomniac nights, through simply being near him so often. It's allowed him to see deep inside at who Javier is at the core of his being. It turns out him and John aren't all that different. They have an even playing ground. It's a give and take with them, neither one taking more than they give to the other. Neither one using the other, always ensuring there is a comfort between them in whatever they do. John finds a place of belonging with Javier, something that he felt long ago with the gang. Now he's a stranger, but Javier…Javier made him feel at home. Made him feel wanted. Still does.

     John decides that's why he's so nervous as he finds where exactly Javier has run off to. He's relatively easy to find, his white shirt standing out amongst the trees. His orange necktie standing out more so as he turns to the sound of crunching leaves as John approaches. Crap. John didn't exactly think of what to say. All he manages is a small wave, attempting to not draw too much attention to the new knife he's attached to his belt. Javier offers a weak smile only to turn back around, seemingly distracted by something. A frequent move for Javier as of late. Situates the knife so that it sits more at the back of John's belt, just out of sight, and stands beside Javier.

     “You uh…” Rubs the back of his neck, “You okay Javier?” 

     “Why you ask?” Sounds a tad irritated, though seemingly not directly at John. 

     “Seem distracted is all, just…concerned I guess.”

     “Okay then…” Javier takes a deep breath before a quick shuffle of his feet. “Guess I am, a bit.” 

     “You wanna…talk ‘bout it? Don't gotta if ya ain't feelin’ like it course…” Nervously kicks at the ground before adding, “Jus’...I'm here. If you wanna.”

     “Thank you, John.” Gives him a more warm smile, one of comfort and appreciation.

     Javier doesn't elaborate beyond a simple thank you. For now, at least. John is hesitant to give him any physical affection at the moment. Knows Javier has only just recently warmed up to any physical affection from John. And with how he is right now? John can't exactly decide what to do. A part of him wants to pry, get down to the bottom of it. Help him. He's been like this a few days now after all. Other part of him worries that it would only break the trust they have. The give and take. The comfort.

     “My uh, my mother she…” His voice trembles as he speaks, this can't be good. “I heard she passed away.”

     “Christ I'm…” Cautiously places a hand on Javier. “I'm sorry…”

     “Why? You didn't kill her. She just…died. So…don't apologize, okay?” Feels Javier’s breathing is unsteady, gently rubs his back. “I just…mierda…I just I'm so…angry. At myself. For leaving for…for letting myself get tricked into something so foolish. All because I liked feeling special? Idiot!”

     A good hit to his own head for emphasis. John is quick to grab his hand, stopping any further attempts at _that_. It's a move he's all too familiar with, that self-punishment. Did it all the time as a boy. Still does it now. He feels Javier lean into him, he's shaking. Isn't sure if it's from anger or grief or some mixture of the two. Either way he isn't letting go anytime soon. And he isn't letting Javier beat himself up like this. Javier isn't bad like John, he deserves to be treated well. To be treated gently.

     “It weren't your fault. You was scared you…you were protecting your family. Ain't no fault in that, Javier.” Catches his eyes. “None.”

     Javier huffs out laugh, it almost sounds bitter. Gently pulls his hand from John's. “Empty words, my friend. It _was_ my fault. It _is_ my fault. I let that woman control me all because I wanted to feel loved, to feel wanted. And you know the worst part? I don't think I even loved her. No, I know I didn't. I was selfish, I wanted the attention. And now look at me.” Motions an arm outward for emphasis. “A million miles from home and didn't even bury my own mother.”

     “That ain't selfish. Reckon everyone wants to feel loved. Know...know I do at least.” Thinks on what Javier has said. “You know what is selfish? Usin’ someone to do your own damn dirty work. That…that woman? She's the selfish one, it ain't you.”

     Javier let's out another bitter chuckle, looking down as he does so. Almost as though he's hiding his face. Wishes he wouldn't do that, feel he needs to hide his emotions from John. Knows not to force him into anything. It'll come in time. Javier’s attention is turned back to John, an annoyed look on his face. Not exactly the effect John wanted there.

     “You know, you can tell your friends the truth, John. You _should_ tell them the truth.” Sighs, his expression returning to that distant look from earlier. John can't help but feel his heart sink a bit at the sight. “Doesn't matter however, I'm still here and…she's still gone.” 

     “...You was close, weren't you?”

     “Yeah, yeah we ar- we _were_.”

     “What was she like?”

     “She…ay…she was a complicated woman.” Sees him smile to himself, hiding his face, as though he's recalling fond memories. “Got no idea how she raised kids as reckless and wild as me and my sister. We was always getting into some kind of trouble. Always finding some way to make her have to run after us. You know…I remember how much I faulted her for her being spineless. Now? Now I know she was only trying to protect us, prepare us for the harsh life of starving servitude to rich landowners.” Thinks to himself for a moment before continuing, “I remember how scared she was…when I left to be a revolutionary. That's how I left her. Sacred. Reckon she thought I was dead…never got to prove her wrong.”

     John can only offer a gentle rub on Javier's back. A reassurance that he is listening and he's feeling the hurt. The guilt and the regret. He can't exactly relate seeing as how he never knew his mother. Nor did John ever love his father. Tries to think how he would feel if Dutch or Hosea passed on. Doesn't want to, but he does. For Javier.

     “I-I thought…I _really_ thought I would be able to go back. Eventually. Tell her I'm sorry for scaring her like that, for being everything she didn't want me to be. I…” His voice is breaking, hides his face. John manages to catch his eyes growing glossy. “I fucked up…everything.”

     Recalls how Javier let John express those feelings of self-hatred, of absolute terror, when he struggled to let them loose. Decides to take a risk and wraps his arms around Javier, pulling him in close. Almost like a trigger to a gun, Javier curls into John the moment he holds him close. Balling up his fists in John's shirt, letting everything out. Just like John did when Javier held him. Between sniffles and hiccups Javier speaks.

     “Don't even know where my sister is.” His breath hitches, “Don't even…she's gone.” A sharp inhale, “Everything is gone.”

     “Whoa, whoa…everything ain't gone. Your sister? She's alive and you know that. And you…” Attempts to catch Javier's eyes again, not quite missing but not quite getting them either. “You got us. Dutch…Abigail…hell even Grimshaw. We're your home now. And we ain't never leavin’ you.”

     Rests his head on John's shoulder, relaxing a little. He's sniffling, but is calming down slowly but surely. Hears him whisper a barely audible _Thank you_ and had it not been for their current closeness he would have missed it. Loosens his grip on Javier, allowing him to leave if need be. He doesn't, for a while, instead opting to keep his head rested against John and steady his breathing. Then finally he pushes himself off John, wiping away any remnants of just moments ago. He takes a deep breath and offers another weak smile to John, this one softer than the one before it.

     “Think I uh…need some time. Alone.”

     “Course.”   

     Instinctively gives him a peck on the forehead. Tries to not show any embarrassment as he realizes what he's done, but knows he can't hide the shade of pink he turns. John notices Javier can't stop his face from getting redder either. Nice going Marston. Gives a quick nod, clearing his throat and starts to make his way back to camp to hide in shame in his tent. Can't find the courage to give Javier the knife now. Not sure if it's even appropriate to with what just happened.

     “John wait!” Javier calls after him. Stops in his tracks and turns around to face Javier who looks a tad nervous. “Thank you…for everything.”

     Gives Javier a soft smile, “Anytime, Javi.”

     Manages to catch the smile that creeps onto Javier's face before he hides it away. Smiles to himself as he makes his way back to camp to spend the rest of the day doing whatever chores need doing.

     As he retires to his tent that night he writes a quick letter addressed to Javier before slipping it and the knife by Javier's bedroll.

_Javier-_

_Meant to give you this today. Got too nervous. It reminds me of you. Sorry was a real bastard to you that year or so ago. Thanks for giving me a chance despite me being a fool. Hoped this would make you smile._

_Reckon I owe you for that coat anyway._

_-John_  

_P.S._

_Real sorry about your ma. You can talk to me always, even if I ain't knew my ma. Want to help you._

     It's not exactly how he wants it to be presented. Had it been an ideal world he'd of given it far earlier on in their friendship, but again, nerves. Decides it's okay to settle for this. John may miss seeing Javier's reaction, but he knows it's better for Javier to receive this gift alone right now. So he leaves the gift there for Javier to find and takes the time he has before falling asleep to reflect on the day. Moreso reflect on how he feels towards Javier or better _why_ he feels how he does towards him.

     In the end he discovers he can't exactly pin down one thing he likes. It's a culmination of things, there isn't one trait in particular that stands out or that John likes more than the others. Supposes that's what he likes about him most.

     Javier isn't one shining trait. He's a multitude of them, all shining bright. Each one inspiring John to want to be better, to actually _become_ better. Each one just as integral to Javier and who he is as a person. It's his artistic abilities, his empathy, his bravery, his strength. That's what attracts John to him. Not one trait alone, but all of them together. And it's this epiphany that leads John to a conclusion:

     This isn't his usual silly crush. This was love.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof!!! this one took a while. i hit a bit of a writer's block for this chapter. i knew i wanted john and abigail to have a chapter because their relationship is very important to john's character, but i just couldn't figure out how to do it. luckily i think i managed to scrap smth together in the end.

     Talk to her.

     It's as simple as that. Well, John knows it's that simple, but it isn't. Talking to Abigail? About this? About Javier? About himself? About…everything? There is no way it'll end well. For either of them. That much he's certain of. He's only really thought of the possibility of this going horribly wrong. This talk. He hopes it'll work out, that they can reach a mutual understanding, but he doubts it. They'll never reach that point. Least not in any future he can imagine. 

     Why is he even needing to speak with her? To reach some feeling of inner peace within himself? Or perhaps to feel less guilty if he chooses to tell Javier his feelings. That shouldn't matter, however. Abigail and him aren't together, least John doesn't think so. And Abigail isn't interested in John or any man for that matter. So why is he even wanting to speak with her? Cause he _might_ be the father of Jack? Cause he feels responsible for the child, for her pain and hurt? He feels guilty, knows that. This is all selfish in the end anyway. Speaking to her? It isn't to make her feel better is it. It's for himself. His own comfort and to bring _him_ ease of mind. Not her. Of course not. Why would John be anything short of selfish. She was right. She _is_ right.

     John was…John _is_ a selfish, worthless son of a whore. He knows it. Hates it. But he can't stop it or change it no matter how hard he tries.

     How does he even intend to start this talk anyway? Part of him thinks he should be honest with Abigail, just come out with the truth right out of the gates. Let her know he wants to make amends, wants them to be friendly again. It isn't like they _never_ got along. They were close, always have been. After John ran off for that year is when things went sour. John doesn’t blame her for hating him. She _should_ hate him. He was horrible for leaving like that. He is horrible for leaving. If he can just fix this he could have one of his closest friends back. Though he thinks Javier is filling that void Abigail left. Being a close companion and friend to John now, Javier has become what Abigail once was to John.

     And it includes the romantic feelings that developed back then with Abigail. He's feeling that now with Javier. John remembers how fast he confessed to Abigail, told her he had feelings for her. Wonders if that jump to the gun was out of an anxiety that had he not told her the feelings would have faded. Probably should of let them fade then, he thinks. She rejected him, but not for reasons he expected. That was the day he learned of her affinity towards other women. Remembers how terrified she looked when she told him, like somehow she knew that John would kill her then and there for saying it. He didn't. Simply listened and held her.

     He misses that. Being with Abigail. Talking to her.

     Thinks he misses a lot of things. Misses Arthur for sure. Misses Dutch and Hosea. Dutch and Hosea, although far more understanding and kind, hate him too. Just like Arthur does. He knows it. They're disappointed in him. They didn't raise such a coward. Hell, part of him even misses Grimshaw's nagging. She's barely blinked an eye at him since that talk with him when he came back. More of a talk at him. A yelling at him. Okay, maybe he's fine without her eyes on him.

     A part of him worries this attraction to Javier he's developed is merely _because_ he’s the only one kind to John. Sure others like Dutch, Hosea and Mary-Beth were nice to him, but only on the surface. He can tell they hate him, deep down. That they can't stand the sight of such a worthless mistake. Javier, on the other hand, is genuinely a friend to John, someone who really cares about him and his well-being. He listens to John, gives him advice, laughs at his accidental jokes. He makes him feel wanted, appreciated, cared for. Loved. In turn John does the same. Well, he tries to. Hopes to god he does the same for Javier that he does for John.

     Supposes that's why he feels how he does. Javier doesn't treat John like a child, like someone below him, like everyone else does. He treats him as an equal. John knows this, knows their friendship is mutual. And Javier is someone John has a lot in common with. A lot more than he expected to. Javier opens up parts of John that he thought died long ago. Interests and hobbies from when he was a kid. Opens up that spark of life John lost somewhere in those years alone as a child. John finds he has an interest in old hobbies again. Tried drawing for the first time in years after Javier encouraged him to try again one day. He's shit at it, nowhere near Arthur's skill level, so he gave up. But he still _tried_.

     That's what Javier does. He makes John want to try. At everything. Sure, John's a miserable sack of shit, but if someone like Javier can see something in him? Someone as kind and talented and absolutely stunning as Javier? Maybe it's worth it to try. Maybe he's worth half a cent.

     Never felt like that with Abigail. Not that she isn't important to John, she is, but she never gave him that spark of life. Of motivation. He thinks it's always been platonic with her, but he simply misread his own feelings. Abigail's friendship is important to John now more than ever. He realized that during his time away. Realized how much he missed her. He wants that friendship back. John misses Abigail.

     He's able to catch eye of her off to the right in the distance with Jack, whom she's passing off to Hosea. A break. And John's chance to speak alone with her, to hopefully mend some wounds. Supposes it's a tad rude to interrupt her break from the kid to talk about their issues, but this is good for both of them. It is. Abigail needs this just as much as John does. Or at least that's what he tells himself to feel better about approaching her.

     So he musters up the courage and makes his way over to where she stands, a cup of coffee in hand. Abigail notices him as he approaches. Doesn't look to pleased, but that's no surprise to John.

     “This point I'm pretty sure that coffee runs through your veins not blood.”

     She scoffs, “An’ I'm pretty sure _whiskey_ runs through _your’s_. What you want, John?”

     “Je _sus_ calm down woman, I ain't wanting nothin’.” Abigail raises her eyebrows, a look of doubt on her face. A correct look at that. “Fine, I do wanna _talk_ to you about somethin’, but I ain't needin’ anything from you.”

     “I knew it.” She sounds annoyed as she sighs, “You know just say you need somethin’ from me, John. Don't get all shy on me and try n’ tiptoe around it, won't work anyway I know you far too well.”

     “Alright, alright. Good lord Abigail, just don't wanna bother you s'all.”

     “You already _are_ Marston.” Stands in silence for a moment before she makes an annoyed face at John. “Well? Out with it already, what is it?”

     “Just-! I just want…” Sighs, mumbling a _goddammit_ under his breath. “I want things. _Us…_ I-I want us to be okay. I wan- I miss…you.”

     Abigail almost looks pleasantly surprised, at first. Her expression quickly turning sour before she lets out a bitter chuckle.

     “Well ain't that just a shame for you, John Marston. D’you _really_ expect me to forgive you? Now? After leavin’ me and the boy a whole damn year? Cause what?” Stays quiet. Abigail's voice is trembling, she's angry. Hurt. “Tell me! Why? Why d'you leave me alone? Why d'you run off on me like that? What did I do to deserv-”

     “I was scared, alright!” Knows he raised his voice, hopes to god noone is staring. They probably are. No, he knows they are. “I was…I was…I screwed up, was to…damn scared of bein’ my dad that I...I ran. Didn't help none, clearly.”

     “ _Clearly._ ” Abigail stays silent for a moment before giving a deep sigh. “Ya know…I said the boy was your’s cause…I-I trust you John. You was...you _are_ my closest friend. An’ I mean that. I'm just…all I'm askin’ is you be a father to that boy. Don't leave me alone on this one. Don't leave Jack alone. Thought you'd get that better ‘an any of these lugheaded men.”

     John sighs, mostly of relief at the seeming passing of a storm between them. Partially out of exhaustion from the burst of emotions, he never was good with his temper. Though Abigail is no better than him. For once.

     “Course I do I just…” Looks to Abigail. Knows he looks scared, but he's okay with her seeing it. “I'm scared, Abigail. Of screwin’ this boy up. You know how they say you become your parents…just…don't wish for my father to raise nobody. Specially not my kid.” 

     “F'that sayin’ is true then you'll be teachin’ Jack to read that Evelyn Miller and his...what's it called? The American….” Looks to John for an answer. 

     “Inferno.” 

     “The American Inferno!” Takes a sip of her coffee as she laughs to herself. “Or you'll teach the boy to rob people with words. Don't know which one's worse.” 

     “Evelyn Miller.” Sounds almost exasperated at recalling everytime Dutch sat him down to spout off about the man. Pretty sure he loved that author more than Hosea sometimes. “Jack's got you for a ma so…reckon he'll turn out fine.”

     Abigail lands a playful punch to John's shoulder, a smile creeping in on her face. It suits her, that playful yet soft grin she wears. Suits her real well. Thinks it's the first time he's made her smile in a long time. 

     “You gettin’ sweet on me again, John Marston?”

     John laughs, “No, no. Know where that'll end up.”

     “Looks like you got half a brain afterall.”

     “Looks like I do.” Shoots Abigail a smirk before chuckling, “Sure know how to make a man feel special, don't you?”

     “Pff, you already got Javier makin’ you feel plenty special. Reckon I'm bringin’ you down to Earth.”

     Feels his heart rate speed up at the mention of Javier, or more at the fact that Abigail has noticed them hanging around each other. Huffs out a quiet laugh at Abigail's playful jab towards him. Never knows when she crosses the line though, does she? Supposes that's part of her charm or something along those lines.

     “Javier ain't makin’ me feel real special or nothing. Makes me…well…makes me feel human is all, I guess.” Thinks on his words for a moment before he continues. Almost always losing his filter on his thoughts around Abigail. “Feel less than human when I ain't round him…you know how it is with me I…I got shit for brains. Reckon I just feel…Idunno, just _feel_ when I'm with him, you know? Ain't so numb all the time.”

     “I suppose…” Abigail laughs to herself, an odd response. “Listen to yerself, what're you…in love with Javier?” 

     “Maybe.”

     Abigail only raises her eyebrows at him like she wasn't expecting that to be the response she'd get. Nods and takes a sip of her coffee. John knows Abigail's feelings about this. Hell, knows the whole damn gang’s feelings about it. If there were issues Dutch and Hosea would be far more hushed in their affections towards each other. In the kind of man Hosea is. Or…became? Or always was? Still doesn't quite grasp the concept completely, not sure he'll ever really grasp it all the way, seeing as he's not like Hosea or Arthur. Or Javier. But in his eye they're all men like him just the same.

     “You plan on tellin’ him or somethin’?”

     She says it almost nonchalantly, forgets how normal these things are to this gang. Certainly not normal to people in polite society, but he never cared for that much. Polite society meant having no personality beyond belongings and wealth and _rules._ Everything he was raised to not be. Everything he cannot stand being.

     John laughs, “Christ no. Well…maybe. I don't know yet.”

     “Reckon you should.” John shoots her a look of surprise and confusion at once. “What? He does good by you. Haven't seen you this _calm_ since…since…well since I know you is when. Don't see much harm in tellin’ ‘im. Certainly didn't wait long with me.”

     Again with the teasing, a light nudge to his side for added emphasis. He thinks on what he's already realized about his feelings towards Javier. They are genuine and real. Not someone he's settling for, not someone he's only attracted to due to his kindness towards John. No, he loves him. Really, truly does. And he hasn't acted on it sorely out of fear of rejection. Out of fear of losing his friendship.

     Abigail's words carry weight to them for John. Her opinion matters quite a lot more than she realizes he thinks. So hearing her supporting him, wanting him to move forward with Javier, it means a lot. Thinks he might give more thought to it now. Actually telling him about his feelings.

     “No, I didn't.” Chuckles to himself, “Maybe I will. Maybe”

     He stays with her for the rest of the morning talking about about everything and nothing. That rhythm they had so many years ago slowly introduces itself back into their conversation and John feels a wave of comfort overcome him. Realsies how badly he needs Abigail's friendship. Needs her by his side. They needed this talk, badly. Both of them did. And he feels that there is now some ease between them. Tension is still present, always will be with them now, but he's able to speak to her. And that means the world for him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF....man this took me a hot minute to figure out. i already had a bit written out from my scrapped version of chpater 6, but i wanted to make the confession more organic rather than something planned. it's lightly based on my own expirence in dumbly half-confessing to a girl i liked when i was a kid. we sat in a feild with white flowers so...guess it's some homage to that. excited to finally move onto in canon chapters now though !!! i will try and update soon. comments are appreciated as always and thank you for reading !!

     A few weeks had passed since John mustered up enough courage to speak more than a word to Abigail. Thankfully for him, things went well. They went really well. Though he certainly could have done without admitting his feelings towards Javier to her. But she was understanding and kind about it. Doesn't think he deserved that kindness from her, but it's what he got. 

     Now he finds himself sitting, bouncing a leg nervously as he tries to keep his mind occupied. He's been considering the words Abigail said to him. Telling him. It's a scary concept, one he's been mulling over for a while now. The idea of confessing, of being so vulnerable, it terrifies John. Must be just about the only thing that really scares him. Other than drowning of course. And clowns. That one Arthur never lets him live down. Not sure Javier would either when he thinks about it.

     It isn't that John _doesn’t_ want to be with Javier. He _wants_ to be with him, almost desperately at this point. Wants to be closer to him. All of him. Doesn't care if Javier would see them as _the bad parts_ of himself, he wants Javier to be able to trust him with that. Trust that he won't hurt him, that there is no need to be so scared if he's with John. It's that a part of him fears the possible outcomes, much like he feared with speaking to Abigail. And a specific outcome scares him the most.

     One he's desperately trying to silence, trying to rationalize and find comfort with the words Abigail told him. Just tell him. The man would have been long gone by now had he had issues with men like John. Men like Dutch. It's funny, ironic almost, John knows so much about Javier now yet this is the one subject he knows nothing about. Thought that woman in Mexico meant he fancied ladies, but he's admitted several times to John that he feels guilty for he had no real attraction to her. She merely made him feel special, though in his defence she _was_ using him for her dirty work. John cannot fathom why someone would do that to Javier of all people. Maybe he can, though it's for something Javier seems to have no control over. 

     Decides for now he simply wants to be in his company. He'll try someday when he has the courage. Someday. Gets up from where he sits to go out in search for Javier. He's a relatively easy man to find once John figured out his usual spots. Most likely he'll find him on watch seeing as he doesn't see him strumming away at his guitar anywhere. Or more he doesn't _hear_ Javier's guitar. John catches eye of Bill grabbing a rifle as he looks about, ah-ha. Must be switching places on watch with Javier. He hopes.

     That brings John to his next course of action, get somewhere away from camp to be with him. He's feeling particularly sensitive to prying eyes today, or maybe paranoid is the word he's looking for, so he decides to ride out somewhere with Javier. Not for any reason in particular, but more to simply be away from the expectations of everyone. From the disappointed expressions people seem to always wear around him. For a moment of peace. To speak with someone who harbours no negative feelings towards John. About anything. About everything. He isn't sure yet.

     First he finds Boaz, Javier's overly anxious horse, and his own horse, Beatrice. Isn't sure why, but Boaz seems to be particularly fond of John. Most times when approached by anyone other than Javier, he'd let out a nervous whinny and trot away to safety. But that isn't the case for John. Part of him wonders if Boaz somehow knows of John's affinity towards Javier. Probably does. Horses are smart, they know stuff like that. Right? Well, least they know better than he does. For now he tries not to think much on why a horse likes him, isn't important or worth the worry. Instead he mounts Beatrice, taking hold of Boaz's reigns and leading him along.

     Luckily for him, his guess is correct and he's able to find Javier moseying about on watch. Doesn't seem he's paying much mind to actually keeping watch, John can tell that his mind is elsewhere. Maybe he was right to run off for a bit with Javier afterall. Seems they both need to get away for awhile. Beatrice and Boaz approaching catches his attention, however, and Javier turns to him. There's a moment of surprise at seeing John with Boaz trotting relatively calmly behind him before he gives him a warm smile. One of familiarity. John slows his horse so he's stopped beside Javier. Javier looks up at John, moves a few paces so that he's a tad closer to him. 

     “Where you off to?” Motions his head towards Boaz. “And with my horse.”

     “Reckon we both need some air. Can tell your mind ain't here, not completely. Mine ain't either so…” Gently tugs on Boaz's reigns, inching him forward ever-so-slightly. “...C’mon.”

     Javier only raises his eyebrows, looks over at Boaz then back to John then back to Boaz _._ Back over to John once more. 

     “Should put my rifle back, can't just leave wa-”

     “Bill's taking over, on his way now. Jus leave the rifle here and get on. It ain't gonna be too long a ride, but I ain't plannin’ on it to be short neither.”

     He shrugs half in defeat, half in agreement at a much needed break.

     “Okay.” Puts his rifle down, before clambering onto Boaz’s back. A calmness washes over the horse the moment Javier is near, almost like a child reunited with its mother. “Better not be another farm we robbing.”

     John lets out a nervous laugh, “Christ no…I ain't plannin’ on something like _that_ again.” Starts up his horse again, no particular destination in mind.

     They ride to wherever in relative silence. There's occasional conversation between them, but John finds neither of them _needs_ to speak constantly. Least not with each other they don't. It's an odd comfort John finds with Javier, the ability to ride without speaking and have it not feel like a soul-crushing silence. Enjoys that, among other things, about Javier. Enjoys his music. Though his voice in general is nice to listen to even when he's simply talking. Something about it soothes John, his music does too. Wonder what those songs are about. The ones he sings at night by the campfire. The ones that have such a specific feeling they capture, a feeling John can only begin to grasp. Heartbreak? Melancholy? He isn't sure, but when he watches him those nights, especially recently, singing his heart out he knows one thing for certain.

     That he's in love with him. 

     It's still a big jarring, thinking that. In love. Doesn't think he's ever really been in love with someone. Least not since Abigail. Thinks he loved her. At least at some point he did. John has only ever had fleeting feelings, minor crushes that disappear within the week. Used to fall in love just a little bit with someone new everyday. Guess Dutch is right about him, he is a romantic. More embarrassing to hear it from your father of all people, but he isn't wrong.

     John _is_ a romantic, more than he cares to admit. He wants to adore and be adored by someone. Specifically Javier now, but it's something he's always craved. Sure, he can live without romance. Clearly, he's done it most his life getting by with short flings and one-night stands. But those were safe, those weren't vulnerable. John never really has to open up with those sorts of situations. With Javier? He's already opened up. A lot. With Javier, John has cried, he's shared things about himself not even Abigail knows, hasn't been uncomfortable when receiving affection from him. Hasn't been afraid to _show_ affection. To feel, to be emotional. To be vulnerable.

     Something about Javier makes John feel safe. Maybe it's the fact that Javier shares his vulnerabilities as well. That he tells John things other gang members don't get to hear or have knowledge of. Or maybe it's that he simply shows and proves he's someone safe to be open with. To be alone with. Decides it's a mixture of the two.

     John slows his horse down when he catches eye of a particularly pretty meadow. It's open, the grassy area littered with specs and bunches of small, white flowers. Gets off his horse, hitches Beatrice to a nearby tree and Javier follows suit. Javier looks out to the field once off his horse, taking his eyes away from Boaz as he lazily pats him. Watches him as he admires the view, John admiring a different view of his own. Turns his attention away from the field to him, John ducks his head down in an attempt to hide his blatant staring. He’s quick to bring his attention over to the meadow, hoping to god his face isn't any obvious shade of red. It probably is. It definitely is.

     “Pretty country we're in…” Hears Javier riffle through his saddlebag before turning back to John. He has a small journal and pencil in hand. “Ready when you are, John.”

     “Right…course. Sorry ‘bout that uh, just…distracted s’all.”

     Javier lets out a small chuckle, “I can tell.”

     John only offers a small smile in return before they both make their way to somewhere out in the field. They stop a good distance away from their horses, in the middle of the meadow with enough distance between everything that it almost seems to stretch on for miles. John knows it doesn't, but it sure is nice to imagine so. Resists the urge to take hold of Javier's hand on the way over, thank christ for that. Though he does find his gaze almost fixated on him. Javier looks rather nice in this light he thinks. The warm sunlight complimenting his darker complexion and hair. Looks nice all the time, somehow.

     John lays down next to Javier who is sitting up, scribbling down things in the journal he brought over with him. There's a slight breeze blowing, not too much that it would make him cold, but not too little that he'd get hot. It's perfect weather. Almost makes John want to fall asleep then and there. He instead closes his eyes, not necessarily trying to fall asleep, but wanting to feel more relaxed. Focuses on the sounds around him. He hears Javier occasionally humming a tune, something he hasn't heard before. Something new. Occasionally hears him stop abruptly before hearing the sound of graphite scratching across parchment.

     “Writing somethin’?” Doesn't open his eyes as he asks. Javier only replies with a simple hum of recognition. “What is it?”

     “A song.” Hears him scratch out something again, “Supposed to be about love but…can't quite get it down right.” 

     “Sure you'll get it eventually. Always do.” It comes out almost nonchalantly, John moving his hat off to cover his face with.

     “ _Eventually._ ” He laughs, a slight bitterness to it. “My other songs…they're always about heartbreak, losing someone. Sad things…guess I haven't written much on love.” 

     Opens his eyes and slowly pushes himself up onto his elbows, hat falling onto his lap. “You haven't? Thought that was what they was all about.”

     “I guess? But it ain't real love. Not in the uh…” Rubs the back of his neck, “... _personal_ sense. That other stuff, it's just superficial. Don't got a clue what I'm talking about. Okay, _didn’t_ have a clue. Now I do. I think…”

     “You…” Voice comes out more nervous than he intends it to. “You in love, Javier?”

     Javier gives a sheepish smile before tucking some hair behind his ear. “Course, why else would I be writing a song about love?”

     “I-Idunno…lots a reasons, I guess.” Pauses before adding, “S'it one of them ladies? Mary-Beth and...christ I always forget her name…Kend-”

     “Karen.” Gives him a playful shove, “She's been here long as me. Should know her name by now.”

     “I know, I know…guess we don't talk a whole lot. Probably hates me anyway, most a them do nowadays.”

     “Karen hates _most_ people. Aaand...they don't know you like I do.” Offers John a half-smile, “Don't see you the way I do.” 

     John snorts, “And how's that?” 

     “Someone kind…and brave. Braver than me at least…always stick to your guns…I guess I…wish I could be like that. Honest to myself.” He sighs, “You’re not aaa…a people pleaser…like me. And I mean that in a good way. Don't give anyone nothing but yet…you still care. A lot. I can see it, John. You…I mean I and correct me if I'm wrong but, I _think_ you care about me. Really do. And it's real…you're…real. With everything.”

     Takes a moment to process _that_ . John isn't exactly used to receiving compliments, especially not ones of that caliber. _Especially_ not when they come from the current holder of his affections. He can only look at Javier, who averts his gaze from John. Thinks he catches his face growing redder, but if anything it's due to the fact that he just bared his heart to John. Knows how hard it is for Javier to be vulnerable, like himself, and decides he should meet him halfway. At least. If he can stop himself from saying anything _too_ stupid. Doubts he'll be able to. 

     “I do care. About you.” Sits up fully as he says this, “You're the closest damn person to me in….years, I think. Only person here who I don't…don't feel like I gotta _act_ okay around. Can just…can just… _exist_ when I'm with you cause, cause y’ain't gonna judge me. I know that and you know I ain't gonna judge you. Don't think I got the rights to anyway, but…I…I…I think you…I’m...”

     Purses his lips and gives a quick glance to Javier whose face is a few shades darker than when he last looked at him. He looks…eager? Or anticipating John's end to his current thought perhaps. Can't completely read the expression on his face. John sighs, it comes out far shakier than he wants.

    “I’m in love with you.” Almost holds his breath for a moment before letting out a far shakier, unsteady exhale. “There. Said it. Look I-I get if you…you don't wanna talk or… _hell see_ me ever again. Just I…I couldn't keep it…couldn't keep it in anymore. You're…you…you don't gotta say nothing or, or be round m-”

     “That song I was writing…It was supposed to be about loving someone. Someone you can't be with, but it's mostly your own fault you can't cause you're…scared. Of it. Of being in love.” Javier interrupts him, sighs. “That song was about you, John. And I…I was too scared to tell you cause…I didn't like the possibility of you leaving. Of hating me for who I am... _what_ I am. _Meirda…_ listen to me I sound like an idiot.”

     “You ain't an idiot, Javier.”

     Gives John a weak smile before he turns his attention back to his journal that he gently closes. They sit in silence for a while, neither one completely certain on what to say. Or rather, what they _should_ say. It's one of few silences John's experienced with Javier that feels uncomfortable. There's so many things he wants to say to Javier, so many feelings wanting to be heard. Yet he finds he can't quite piece them together, can't form any complete thoughts. Just single words, small phrases. 

     “So…what now?” Javier's voice cuts through the quiet, nearly jolting John from his thoughts.

     “I don't know…start simple I guess. Figure it out from there. Ain’t exactly seasoned with this…but let's...start with this.” Situates himself so he's facing Javier better before cupping his face with one hand. “Can I…can I kiss you?” 

     Javier laughs, it's soft and quiet as he lets his head lean into John's hand. “Course you can, cabrón.”

     “You really oughta tell me the hell that means someday.”

     “Ruins the fun of saying it then.”

      Smirks, “Fair.”

     Then he kisses him. Gently. Softly. Definitely nervously. John hasn't exactly kissed a man before. Hes thought about it, sure, but actually doing so? It's far more terrifying than a daydream. And sure, John's kissed plenty of women. He never had trouble finding short flings, one night stands. But those kisses, they’re different. Even with Abigail he didn't feel like this. This scared. This happy. This anxious.

     And he can tell that Javier is feeling the same as well. Almost too nervous to kiss John back, but he finds with everytime he kisses Javier he relaxes more. Gets more used to John’s lips on his. And John finds himself getting used to it to. Finally pulls back, Javier's eyes staying closed for a moment before fluttering open. He stares at John before smiling, letting his head fall to rest against John's chest. John places a peck onto his head, holds him.

     “If this is a dream…” Javier sighs, almost dreamily. “...hope I never wake up.”

     “It ain't a dream.” Gives another kiss to his head. “Least I hope it ain't.”

     “If it…if it isn't. Can we…keep this between us? Keep _us_ private?” Pushes himself off John so that he's looking at him. “For now.”

     “Yeah, yeah…don't really want none of em stuffin’ their heads in my business anyhow. _Our_ business.” 

     “Good…thank you, John.” Doesn't flinch when Javier goes to give John a gentle kiss on the forehead.

     Things continue like this, for a bit. They stay in the field, their dynamic doesn't change like John feared. At least for now it isn't changing. Only difference is now John doesn't have to resist urges. He gives Javier kisses as he wants, takes hold of his hand. It's technically the same as when he attempted to teach John to swim, but it feels different somehow. Instead of feeling scared, feeling anxious, John feels he's comforted by Javier's hand in his this time. Feels his chest swell with warmth, with comfort. John notices he's at home with him and he wants to take his time here. Enjoy this time alone with Javier. Enjoy every time he's alone with him now without holding back anything. Being real.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is! this took a bit only because i've been busy with work. it's nice to finally be in canon territory tbh. i'm very excited to explore how the plot of rdr2 effects my boys and very excited for later chapters. comments are always appreciated and thank you for reading !!

     Blackwater. Now that was the biggest mess of a job if John had a say.

     It wasn't because things were poorly planned. This was Dutch for christs sake, if anything the man _overplanned_ things. So it baffles John as to what…or more _how_ things went so wrong. And how _he_ ended up with these injuries. One, three, four…six. He's told it is six new scars he'll acquire. That's not counting two small scratches on his forehead, those will heal just fine. No scars should be left behind with them.  

     But the others? Those will be around a lifetime. No matter how well John heals. Though he figures he should be thankful he's even alive. A shot in the leg, left for dead to be eaten alive by wolves? Javier was right, he's had a rough go of it. It wasn't as if he was alone. Micah was there, though he should know by now that's a death sentence for _anyone._ Dutch included.

     He left him. For dead. 

     A part of him wonders how much of that was accidental, like Micah insists to everyone, and how much it was purposeful. Micah had only joined the gang six months ago and already in that short span of time he managed to cause the utmost chaos within the gang. He's almost certain it'll only escalate so long as he's around. The two of them, John and Micah, never can manage to agree as is, so he isn't completely sure _why_ he was sent to scout ahead with Micah. John isn't like Arthur, Lenny or Javier. Can't just work with people he hates. Though he supposes there is _one_ thing John and Micah _can_ agree on. And that's that they hate each other. Micah has certainly made that much clear. John isn't afraid to let him know he feels the same.

     Only benefit to that man is for once John isn't the most hated member of the gang. Though he realizes now that wasn't ever true, was it? Least not with people like Bill around. John certainly isn't beloved by people, not like Arthur or Hosea or Lenny, but he certainly isn't _that._ As he's gotten older he's been able to reflect more. Grow some semblance of self-esteem back, even if it's not much. Because of this, he's realised most of that hate that he always assumed people harbored towards him was simply him self-projecting his own hatred of himself at them.

     Since that he's managed to speak with more people, actually manages to remember Karen's name now. Feels bad about that one. Hell, even Arthur is warming back up to him. There's definitely still an underlying tone of anger, bitterness, but it's an improvement on not speaking to John _at all_ . Hosea still occasionally bugs him about _being a man_ and Dutch still tells John how _fatherhood is a blessing_ , their typical cryptic not-so-subtle messages, but things are better with them. John managed to have a long talk with his parents about everything and they were far more understanding than he deserved. But he's glad they did. Things were looking up. They _were_.

     Until Blackwater. Until Micah. 

     Again with that Micah. Arthur and Hosea had a good lead, a safe one. A well-thought out one. But Micah being Micah and Dutch being Dutch, decided to pull a ferry robbery. And a risky one at that. Pretty sure John knew it'd go wrong the moment he knew _he_ was coming along. Good idea Dutch. Bring the one man who cannot swim. Though he will admit he felt a bit safer knowing he was to be partnered up with Javier. If things went wrong, and they _did_ , he knew Javier would have his back. And he did.

     Pretty sure he would have died had Javier not helped him get to his horse. Not that it mattered much in the end. His leg still got pretty bad, probably wouldn't be able to walk for a few days. Should wait weeks, but John isn't good with recovery. Hates being still, hates being taken care of all the time. He supposes that's entirely thanks to his dearly departed father. That scumbag. 

     The wolf attack is a separate matter. Somehow he managed to survive _that_ and somehow Javier and Arthur managed to find him. Arthur told him he nearly gave up, would have if it weren't for Javier pushing him to keep searching. Thinks he got off relatively unscathed, minus the obvious unattractive scars across his face. He's always been ugly though, if anything the scars might actually help his features. Doubts Javier will still like looking at him much now. Not even sure why he ever _did_.

     That's another matter. Him and Javier. They had been going steady for…a year or two now he believes. Things were good between them, they _are_ good. Only issue is neither of them has decided whether or not to even tell the gang. Probably should now, but it isn't as though the gang _needs_ to know. Dutch and Hosea have never had to say anything. People _know._ They can tell. Well, all with the acception of that poor girl Molly O'Shea. Wonders if it's the same with him and Javier. Or do people assume John is romantically involved with Abigail because of Jack? Poor kid.

     Jack didn't ask to be born to this life. Sure, the boy never seems to be too torn up over it, but John knows that trick all too well. Knows deep down how much the poor boy is hurting. Issue is he has no clue how to help. How to fix it for him. He wants to. Wants to be a good father, but some part of him still rejects the idea that Jack is _his._ And it isn't because John doesn't like Jack. He does. The boy is beyond intelligent for his age, more than John remembers being as a child. Sure, he hates reading, but he's picking it up fast he hears. Hosea nearly boasts about it every ten seconds. But a part of him is afraid.  

     Afraid he'll mess up. That he'll do exactly what his father did to him. And he doesn't deserve that. No one does. Well, no kid deserves it. Micah could certainly use a swift kick to his ego. Dutch could certainly benefit from that too, but he'd never say it to his face. For now.

     This is what floats about in his mind, the small cabin he's been put in now empty for the time being. It's quiet. Too quiet for his tastes. Probably why his thoughts are all over the place. Thankfully he hears the door swing open as he fiddles with the skin around his nails, it creaks as it's opened. 

     It's Javier. Hasn't seen much of him since he rescued him from near death. He's quick to close the door, shivering as he does so. Doesn't look properly dressed for the current climate, nor is his body nearly warm enough to withstand such cold temperatures. Lets out a puff of breath, which John can see thanks to the cold, then he makes his way over to John. Pulls up a chair beside him before taking a seat, does a fruitless attempt at warming his gloved hands by breathing into them. Doesn't seem to do anything based on the disappointed expression he wears.

     “How’re you feeling? Took quite a beating…” Pauses, his expression changing to a more somber look. “Sorry about Beatrice. Was a good horse. Think Boaz liked her a lot too, which is…rare for him.”

     “M'fine. Restless s'all but ain't really much I can do about it is there.” Smiles up at him, trying not to look _too_ torn up over a horse. “Pretty sure it's rare for Boaz to like _anyone_ other than you. But she was…would of been dead had not been for her. I owe that horse.” 

     Javier brushes some hair from John's face. Tries not to wince too much, isn't like Javier isn't being gentle. Keeps his hand rested against John's face for a moment before John takes Javier's hand in his. Places a gentle kiss against his gloved fingers. Javier gives him a warm smile, nervously brushing a small bit of hair from his face. Never dropped that habit, did he? 

     “I'm glad you ain't dead.” Javier gives him a kiss on the forehead, again it's very gently. Can't help but close his eyes, relax at the affection he's receiving. “For now.” He gives John a small, playful smirk.

     John gives a light punch to Javier's arm, “Dutch'd be real disappointed in your lack of faith.”

     Javier lets out a puff of laughter, short and soft, before they both fall to a quiet. He's certain both of their minds have wandered over to Blackwater at the mention of Dutch. And now they seem to both be searching for what they want to say on the matter. For the _right_ words. Javier's hand is still in John's, keeps his eyes almost fixated on them.

     “I'm sorry.” John finally breaks through the quiet. “Should of…I should of been able to stop him, talk him out of it. But Dutch he….he weren't acting like himself that day. Ain't acting normal.”

     “Don't apologize, it was Dutch's decision to listen to Micah. Not your fault…you tried. _We_ tried.” He's quiet for a moment, almost thinks he's finished before he sighs. “I just…I don't understand _why,_ John. _Why_ listen to him? That ain't like Dutch, he wouldn't normally listen to Micah. We don't kill innocent people. That ain't us.”

     “You're right, it ain't.” John sighs, “I don't know, Javier. I don't…he ain't even willing to talk to Hosea ‘bout it least of all me.”

     “Well…” Javier huffs, shifts slightly in his seat. “Something ain't right about that job. The pinkertons…they came _way_ too quick. Like they knew about it….I mean you think…?”

     “Probably. Just ain't sure who the hell it was.”

     “Not Jenny…couldn't be. She was loyal.” Scoffs, “My guess? The Callander boys.”

     “The Callander boys? I mean, don't get me wrong, Mac and Davey? Two were loose cannons, but they ain't capable of _that_.” Pauses, “Are they?”

     "Not sure." Javier shrugs, “Think I've learned now just how surprising people can be.”

     “I guess…just…don't feel right.”

     Let's a quiet fall between them once more, trying to keep his mind occupied by something else other than that job. He's heard enough about it. Mindlessly plays with Javier’s hand that's in his, focuses on where the leather is worn more. Takes a moment before he gently pulls off the glove from Javier's hand. Wants to feel his skin against his own. Simply holds it, rubbing the back of Javier's hand with his thumb. His hands have always been softer than John's, spare from the calluses on his fingertips from his guitar.

     “Thank you…” John finds himself breaking the silence again. “...for uh, for comin’ to see me.”

     “Course…had to see how you were doing." Takes his hand out of John's and gently brushes away his bangs. "Looks like you got some gnarly scratches there…it…it don't hurt too bad, does it?”

     “Nah, not too bad. Mostly stings like hell, but nothing I ain't capable of withstanding." John pauses before he looks up at Javier. "A- You…you doing okay, Javier? I know you and Jenny was close s'all…just…you ain't said nothing 'bout it." 

     "I'm…Well, I'm as good as I gotta be." Javier sighs, "Dutch- He…He needs all the help he can get right now. First Jenny then Davey…who knows what's happened to Mac and Sean. I just…I don't think there's time to feel sorry for myself. We gotta be strong for Dutch. I mean…he, he's got a hell of a lot more on his shoulders than any of us. So…just…trying not to think too much on it. Jenny's dead and that's that."

     "Well…I don't need you to be strong so…"  Takes Javier's ungloved hand back into his. "...don't be. Not 'round me at least."

     Javier only gives John a small smile, weak and masking a lot of hurt, then gives a small kiss to his knuckles. They sit in each other's company, letting a quiet fall between them once more. Keeps Javier's hand in his, occasionally planting small kisses to it. Tries to keep his mind off everything for a moment. Just stay focused on Javier. Not on the sting of his wounds. Not on Blackwater. Not on everyone who's died. Not on anything. He notices Javier shivering every few minutes or so. Lifts up the blanket laid over him to which Javier only raises his eyebrows at.

     "Could use the company." Points a finger to Javier, "And you shivering damn near every ten seconds."

     "Wouldn't someone…come in?" 

     "Maybe. Maybe not." Motions him over with his head. Bad move. That stings. "Get over here. Couldn't live with myself if I let you freeze to death."

     Javier sits for a moment before letting out a sigh of defeat. "Okay, but if someone comes in _you're_ explaining everything to them."

     "Think that's worth it." 

     Javier laughs, giving a quick kiss to John before climbing into the cot with him. Lays down on top of him, letting his head rest near the crook of John's neck. John sets Javier's bowler hat down on the chair he previously occupied before planting a kiss onto the top of his head. His arms wrap around Javier who feels as if he's nearly ice compared to John. Definitely feels himself grow a slight bit colder, but decides it's worth it. For him it is.

     Finds that with Javier in his arms he's able to pull his mind away from everything. From this mess. Able to pull his mind away from the growing doubts he has with Dutch. Instead he's focusing on Javier's breathing. The texture and feel of his clothes. How he's shivering less and less. Watches as his eyes slowly fall closed and he snuggles in closer. Gives one last kiss to his head before allowing his own eyes to fall shut.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so if anyone notices a chapter missing it's cause i took it down. i didn't like how it turned out and honestly it didn't add anything to the story. i think i felt way too guilty for writing mostly javier and john which...its a jovier fic so i'm not sure why i am. but i'm pretty hapoy with this one ! and things are slowly coming towards the end which i am very much looking forward to writing.

     A new camp. A new plan by Dutch to somehow rid the gang of it's ever growing issue. This time with a lake and this time with Hosea working more closely with Dutch on the plan. Arthur and Charles found this one, though Arthur claims it was more Charles than him. John can believe that. It's nice. Certainly more roomy than Horseshoe Overlook, but again, a lake. Hosea, Javier and that O'Driscoll boy Kieran all seem relatively excited to be so close to some good fishing. John could live without being that close to death. But it's a good spot other than that. Easier to protect and nicely tucked away through a thicket of tall trees. 

     The weather is…something else. John has never been a fan of hotter, muggy weather. Warm rain? It isn't exactly something John dreamed about experiencing. Now he has and he's not sure what to do with the information. Well, besides tell people to stay the hell away from Rhodes.

     Weather isn't the only thing that made Rhodes awful. The people were…well. They were what Hosea would call 'Real pieces of work' or something like that. It's the south so it isn't as though John is too surprised by the attitudes of the people here. Still, Colter was far better than this. Including the weather.

     Now tonight was a lucky night. One of few with a cool breeze. But instead of getting much needed sleep, John finds himself seated on a log overlooking the lake. For once it's not his mind keeping him up, but a merry late-night concert by none other than Sean Macguire. Calling it anything other than screaming with some banjo, provided by Uncle, would be far too generous. The kid really had no sense of other people, did he?

     "Can't sleep?"

     Javier's voice cuts through the loud playing of banjo as he approaches John. And the even louder singing. Thanks Sean. A small puff of smoke is blown out as he speaks. Offers him his cigarette. John obliges, taking it from his hands. 

     "No…" Javier sits beside John, John letting the smoke exhale as he stares out at the lake. "Sure you can guess _why_." Lazily glances back at Uncle and Sean who have been doing…that for what feels like the past hour or so.

     "Sean is certainly more… _lively_ tonight." Javier chuckles before taking the cigarette from John for a drag. "Uncle must be riling him up, he's usually passed out by now." 

     "And you?" Cigarette is passed back to him. "Can't sleep neither?"

     "Yeah, Sean ain't why though." He sighs, leaning forward. "Never slept good since I left home. Guess I failed to drop the habit." 

     "I'm…I'm real sorry."

     "For what? You're not the reason why so…don't be." Swats a hand at him. "It's just what I had to do to survive."

     "Alright…well...okay then." 

     "Okay then." 

     A quiet falls between them. Nothing uncomfortable. As per usual with them the silence is anything but that. They pass the cigarette back and forth from one another till it becomes far too short for either one to smoke. John switches from looking out at the lake to looking at Javier. He looks tired, but there's a calm to it. Relaxed. Not the restless exhaustion John feels. Or possibly it's more a familiarity. That Javier has gotten used to sleepless nights. He isn't quite sure.

     He wonders how many times Javier has sat like this. Awake. Alone. Can't help but feel a tinge of guilt knowing he could of been there with him. Given him some company. Or maybe Javier prefers the alone time? He's always been far more introverted than he comes off. His ostentatious fashion would lead one to believe he was the opposite, but he's anything but that. He's calm, calmer than John is, and he's kind. Talented. Thoughtful. Everything John isn't. Though according to Javier that's not the truth. Wonders what Javier sees in him.

     The moonlight highlights his features. His thick band of lashes, the gentle slope of his nose. Scars on his face seem to almost catch the light. John stares, not too blatantly, almost studying him. Every feature, every part of him. Notes the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. The way he fiddles with his hands the same way John does. The way the moonlight reflects in his eyes. Could probably draw a portrait without looking at him by now. It wouldn't be anything pretty thanks to his own art skills, but he's memorized Javier by now. Memorized a lot about him.

     It isn't just his physical features that John has grown very familiar with, but his actions. Small inflections in his voice that tell whether he needs to be alone or needs comfort. The barely noticeable pleased smirk that he gets whenever he does a successful round of five finger fillet. That little eye roll he does whenever Bill is going off on some whiskey-ridden tangent. Never sure _why_ he puts up with that. Tilly was right, he _is_ far too kind for his own good. Guess that's why John is lucky enough to be where he is with Javier now. Anyone with any sense wouldn't willingly be with him. Not that Javier doesn't have any sense, but...well. He could certainly do better.

     The one thing John still couldn't figure out about Javier is exactly what is on his mind when he gets especially quiet. Sure, he can tell when something is bothering him or if he's particularly contemplative. But he can never guess quite _what_ is running through his head. Only vague ideas. Whether it's something good or bad. Or hell, even just neutral. Which is what he seems to be tonight.

     "Something's on your mind." Keeps his voice low, quiet. Doesn't exactly want people prying into their business. "You okay, Javier?"

     "Course…I'm fine." Shifts slightly, keeping his eyes on his hands he's fiddling about with. "Guess I'm just nervous John. Unsure."

     "About?"

     "You know what about."

      "I mean, yeah, course I do somewhat...least I think I do…but…feels like there's somethin' other than… _that_."

      "Okay…there is." Javier almost defensively adding on, "But it's not a big deal! I'll uh, I'll figure it out."

      "And the rest?"

      "The rest is well…I think I'm starting to understand it. A little." Javier takes his eyes off the lake, looking at John. "It ain't Dutch I'm worried about, John. It's…it's how are we going to get out of this? Cause it feels like…it feels like to me there isn't one. At least not one I can see. To me it feels like we're just running and killing and running and…killing…some more...We ain't been doing nothing to solve any of this. Not permanently. It's all temporary solutions to a far…bigger problem. I mean…I thought we was trying to stop this…I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong and Dutch has a plan I just…wish I knew." 

     "Me too." Sighs and takes ahold of Javier's hand. "Look I…I know I been real harsh on Dutch n' all but...it's hard not to doubt him after… _that._ You know that. And maybe…y'know maybe Dutch'll see us through all this but…I…I don't know, Javier. I don't know how in the _hell_ that's gonna happen. But it's gonna. I hope..." 

     "You don't sound real confident about that." 

     "I ain't." 

     Javier sighs, mumbles something incomprehensible to himself. John let's his eyes focus on Javier's hand in his. Javier rubs the back of John's hand with his thumb.

     "And what about us?"

     "What about us?"

     "Well I thought we was gonna tell more people than Abigail by now. I mean don't get me wrong I'm glad people like Bill and Micah aren't aware, but…I…I don't know, John. You, Abigail, Jack? Everyone here they…they see you all as a family. And me? I'm just intruding on that."

     "You ain't intruding." 

     "Yeah well, looks like I am." He sighs, "It's too late now anyway. Don't think anyone would take it well." 

     Javier keeps his eyes off John, opting to stare at the ground instead. Or their hands. John isn't too sure. He's far more focused on Javier's face which looks...upset to say the least. John hasn't exactly had… _this_ to ever deal with in his previous relationships, though calling them that is kind. Abigail he's used to upsetting. With a personality like hers it's almost predictable. But Javier? John's never really had relationship issues with him. Isn't sure how exactly to go about it. He hasn't exactly had Javier be upset with him. Well, least he assumes he hasn't. Maybe he assumed wrong. Doubts it a bit now. 

     "Javier I…You…you tell me every person you wanna tell and we'll tell em." 

     "That…that's not what I'm…" Takes a moment, almost seeming to be collecting his thoughts, before continuing. "It's that… _sometimes_ like a, a idiot I…I worry that I'm just. That I'm not important to you. That I'm just some way for you to blow off steam now. Get back at Abigail for all the nagging."

     Stays quiet. Not sure how exactly to respond to that. Not yet.

      "I mean…I think, maybe, I _did_ matter to you. At some point. But now I…I don't know." Crosses his arms, physically closing himself off from John. Not something he likes. "Forget it I…I think I'm just tired. Lots happened and I'm just…overthinking everything."

      "Look at me." Waits a moment. Javier keeps his eyes fixated on his shoes. "Look at me." Moves a hand to Javier's face to guide it towards him. "You listen to me, Javier. I, I ain't never cared about someone like I care about you before. When things went sour in Blackwater? The first thing…the first thing I thought about was how in the hell I was gonna keep you alive. You…you've saved me from my own idiotic self. Every...damn day you do. And look I, I ain't perfect…far from it, but…you? You've made me want to do better. _Be_ better. I…You mean the whole damn world to me. Always have. Ain't nothing _ever_ gonna change that. Never."

      Javier doesn't answer. Simply lets his head slowly fall onto John, having it rest there. John let's his hand slowly make its way to Javier's waist where it stops.

     "We'll figure it out. Everything. Just…don't lose faith in me. In us." 

     "Okay." Is all Javier can seem to say for a moment. Sits in silence for a short while before adjusting his head against John. "I love you."

     "I know." Realizes he only hears a quiet twang of Uncle playing the banjo all by his lonesome now. "I love you too."

  
  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew! again this took me a bit....sadly i got caught up with work and getting called into jury duty so. haven't really had time to work on this as much as i'd like. i suppose this chapter is my attempts to show javier's mental stability faltering a little sooner than in game. and also its a small thing i noticed with both me and my sister's files that javier was quite irritable after kieran's death. 
> 
> also one last note: i'm gonna be renaming chapters and the general title since if i'm being honest, song titles feel a bit personal ! i've considered rewriting a few parts as well to hammer out details more (i.e. the first chapter...i can write the fight scene better now and its a bit embarrassing to read ha....) but we shall see!
> 
> thanks again for reading and keeping up with this if you are. i really appreciate the support and love this fic gets QwQ

     Eventful is one way John could describe the past few weeks…or days. He can't be too sure. With Sean dying and Jack getting taken by those damn Braithwaites, there was no rest. For anyone. Hell, people didn't really have a chance to mourn Sean. It was right onto the horses to get back Jack. Thankfully the gang managed to retrieve his son, though he isn't sure if it's fair to call him that. He isn't much of a father after all. He wasn't. But that's gonna change. It will. It has to. _He_ has to.

     There was a moment of peace once they got Jack back. And a much needed moment at that. Of course as is common practice for them, the peace doesn't last long. It never does nowadays, does it? That poor kid Kieran Duffy got taken by O'Driscoll's shortly after the party for Jack. John wonders if this could have been avoided if Dutch and Hosea didn't get so sloppy and greedy over the old confederate gold. Making a loud fuss, making their spot obvious. Hell, they never even found it did they. The gold. But another plan by Dutch crashing and burning doesn't surprise him in the slightest. 

     It was recently that Kieran turned up. And it wasn't pretty.

      John has seen horrible, fucked up things that's for certain. Since he was a child he's been witness to things he definitely could have been better off not seeing. And now? Now his child has seen _that._ That mangled, brutally killed body of a man who only days ago was just finally warming up to the gang. And the gang was just finally warming up to him. Couldn't recognize him if it weren't for him holding his own damn head. Kieran had shit luck, he guesses. Or it's just the price for joining up with this sorry lot. Probably the price he paid for uttering a word about Colm to Dutch. John can only hope it doesn't mean the others will receive the same shit end of the stick. 

     And now? Now he's taking a break, a breather, away from everyone. Jack is with Tilly and Mary-Beth for the moment. The two are probably reading some fantastical stories to him. More likely romance novels. Abigail has seem to taken up with Sadie. The two sitting quietly together, an occasional whisper of conversation between them before a quiet giggle escapes Abigail. John decides to take refuge behind two open tents. Javier, Charles, the Reverend and previously Sean's places of rest. Now his spot is occupied by Lenny. There's a small space behind them both where one can lean over the logged fence and contemplate whatever, without getting in the way or distracting guard duty.

     John makes his way to this lightly secluded spot and takes notice of Javier, who is kneeling in prayer. He doesn't seem to take much notice to John, seeing as he does not raise his head or make any movement to suggest he hears the light crunch of John's footsteps approaching. He stops next to Javier, leaning against the fence and lazily keeping an eye on him. Waits for him to finish. He seems unalarmed by John's presence, so he must've heard him approaching. Javier stands up, offering John a small and weak smile, before brushing off any dirt from his pants. He stands besides John, resting against the fence as well. 

     Neither one says anything for a moment, opting instead to simply enjoy each other's company in silence. Or possibly neither of them know what _to_ say. John is tempted to pull out a smoke, helps him relax somewhat. He doesn't however. Decides to keep his eyes rested relatively forward, occasionally shifting their attention to Javier. There's something about Javier's presence alone that calms John like the taste of tobacco does. Eases his mind away from troubling thoughts and ideas, allowing his mind to go as blank as it can for now. It's a nice distraction if only temporary and he welcomes the nice bit of quiet. 

     "What you prayin' for?" 

     "Oh you know...lots of things." He rests a hand against his cheek. "Mostly for all this to stop and for Dutch to well…to be Dutch."

     "You think that'll work?"

     "Hopefully. If not then…I gotta hope that it's all part of some plan to get us free."

     "Dutch's plan?"

     "No. Well, yes…kind of." He sighs, "I don't know. God's plan, Dutch's plan...it doesn't matter. I just know that…that this all didn't happen for no reason. It's all _for_ something…" 

     "And you still believe in him? In uh, in God?"

     "Dios mio…" Javier quietly sighs again, not too sure if it's from annoyance. Or nerves. "I guess? I was raised Catholic so…I can't imagine how not to believe in God. I ain't a man like Dutch, I don't think I could manage."

      Javier is quiet for a moment before a laughs to himself.

      "Though I _am_ more of aaaa…half-baked Catholic."

      "Half-baked?" Can't help but smirk and laugh a bit at his remark.

      "Yes, but don't tell my mother. She'd rise from the grave to kill me herself."

      "I'll…try to remember that."

      They both laugh at this before letting it stifle out to a quick silence. John watches as Javier's focus goes out to the horses and away from him. Like he's contemplating something. A question? Or maybe he's simply lost in his thoughts. Afterall he had been more distant after Kieran turned up. At first John thought he had done something wrong, as he tends to think when Javier is upset. But now he thinks that maybe that boy's death had more of an effect on Javier than he thought.

      Javier has had a rough go of it. John knows that. But he isn't sure he can recall Javier ever mentioning something as brutal as _that._ Certainly not if John himself wasn't quite… _used_ to seeing something like that. There's no way Javier could've ever seen something like that. Could he?

     Oh. Right. He remembers Javier telling him about how is uncle died. It's a story everyone knows by now. Javier is far more comfortable telling it. But John heard it first. Least he assumes he did based on how Javier acted when telling him. It wasn't exactly that John forced Javier to tell him. Hell he insisted he only tell him if he felt comfortable with it. He did apparently, John is thankful for that trust, and told him about how as a child he watched his uncle and other men get stripped down, castrated and eaten by pigs for simply asking for a fair wage. John still feels a bit guilty. Feels that he somehow forced it out of him. There was this look he had as he told John. Remembers it clear as day. He wasn't there, not completely. Like somehow by telling John, he was reliving it.

      John noticed it again. That look. While cleaning up the O'Driscoll bodies that littered camp. He caught eye of Javier doing the same with Bill's assistance, but he wasn't there. Not completely. Almost like he was fixated on Kieran's body, wherever Hosea and Charles took it. Wherever Kieran was? That's where Javier's mind was.

      John didn't blame him. Something that brutal, it was hard to move one's mind away from it. But it felt almost as though it was haunting Javier for a few days. More so than some of the others save for Mary-Beth. Part of him wonders if Javier had taken more of a liking to Kieran than he initially thought. Probably. Afterall, it's only recently that he's been more himself. Less snappy, less moody. Calmer. Sleeping more. John couldn't help but feel worried for that span of time. Mostly because he felt completely useless. He wasn't sure how to help or how to talk to him when he was well…like _that._

      He moves closer to Javier so that they're shoulder to shoulder now. Wants to simply be closer to him now that things have settled down once more. Javier's attention is shifted towards John. Looks a tad confused, a tad more curious. Takes ahold of Javier's hand in his, but loosely and gently. Javier holds it in return before leaning towards John to place a gentle kiss to his lips. John kisses him back. Half hopes to god no one sees, half knows everyone is far too lost in their own world to care. Javier breaks the kiss, tucking a small bit of hair behind his ear. That cute habit he still keeps for whenever he's feeling particularly shy. A habit that still makes John a bit weak in the knees.

      "And you're okay?"

     "Course I am." Javier gives a weak smile, "I've gotta be."

     "I ain't askin' if you gotta be okay." Gives a reassuring squeeze to his hand. " _Are_ you?"

     "....No…" John opens his mouth to speak but before he can Javier's finger is to John's mouth. "...but I will be. Just gotta…figure it out on my own before I talk to you, okay?"

     "Okay…" Pauses for a moment before adding, "But you will tell me what's going on. When you're ready. Right?"

     Javier laughs. Not in a patronizing way like others. More in a…familiarity way. A familiarity with how predictable John is he assumes.

     "Yes, of course I will cabrón." 

     "You know you been callin' me that since before we even got along. Think I earned the right to know what it means now, don't I?"

     "You're right…you've earned it." Javier sighs, turns to John before brushing John's bangs to the side. "It means my moon and stars, my everything."

     John snorts, "No it don't. Whats'it really mean?"

     "Doesn't matter." Gives John a small peck before a gentle smile grows on his face. "It's what it means to me…when I'm talking to you at least. Others…not so much."

     "So it _is_ something nasty, ain't it?"

     "Maybe. Learn Spanish."

     "Teach me." 

     "Oh I'm not a good teacher, try…Idunno…Hosea. He's a real good teacher." 

     "He don't know no Spanish."

     "Aahh…then I guess you're shit outta luck John."

     "Oh shut it Javier." 

     Javier's got a playful smile now. John can't be frustrated with him when he's like this, too damn cute. Too damn charming. Instead he gives him a gentle, playful shove to which Javier returns. Neither of them can stifle a quiet chuckle as they stand beside each other badly flirting like some young kids. John can't help but admit to himself that he likes it though. Likes being able to be so…so…like this with someone. So youthfully spirited? Open? Happy? He's not sure. Can't quite place it into words. But he thinks he could spend the rest of his life like this. 

     Thinks he really could.

  
  
  



End file.
